Well, it is fast approaching Christmas time, and soon everyone will anxiously wait as Saint Nick brings lots of goodies. As anyone knows, it is important, however, to make a proper Christmas list if one wishes to receive proper gifts.
With this in mind, I have a few suggestions for Santa this year. Please Santa bring the following gifts for those who need them most:
(1) Please bring a textless, trace free, by the minutes phone from 7-11 convenience store for Tiger Woods. He hasn't been particularly nice, and some might say naughty, but if nothing else he may need it to call 911.
(2) A case of condoms for the Duggars, who have now celebrated the wife giving birth to their 19th child. By my calculations, that means Mrs. Duggar has been pregnant for a total of 14.25 years. I'd also suggest enclosing a Christmas card which simply says "Don't you think it is time to join the 21st century?"
(3) A jackass for Al Gore to ride everywhere he goes. It will serve dual purposes. He'll be able to cut down on carbon emissions, and he'll also finally have someone to talk to.
(4) Earmuffs for the jackass. Not even a lowly jackass should be forced to listen to Al Gore.
(5) A passport for each and every member of Congress. Maybe they'll use them this holiday and will not come back.
(6) An accidental $1 million-life insurance policy for Matthew Stafford. He's going to get killed if he keeps trying to play quarterback for the hapless Detroit Lions, or even more likely, he'll be killed trying to get to or from the stadium traveling in Detroit.
(7) A muzzle for Rosie O'Donell. Please, just make her shut up.
(8) A stun gun, and the right to use it on every idiot store clerk who talks on the cell phone while waiting on me, or for customers in line yapping to their girlfriends instead of paying the idiot store clerk.
(9) A pair of suspenders and belt for every brain dead, no job getting, fool walking around with their pants around their knees, usually talking on the cell phone, which their grandmother pays for, while standing in front of me instead of paying the idiot store clerk, who is also on the cell phone.
(10) A case of Kleenex and a pink tutu for Tebow. I love him, but real men only cry at their daughter's wedding, when Ol' Yeller dies, or when Angelina Jolie begins to unzip her dress.
(11) A bullhorn for every Christmas shopper to yell "Merry Christmas," any time some politically correct corporation requires their employees to say Happy Holidays.
(12) An olive garden for Albany, Ga. If we had one the lion would lie down with the sheep, the poor would be rich, and the weak be strong.
And, I could quit reading about it in the Squawk Box.
Thanks, Santa. Tell the elves and Mrs. Claus I said hello. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.