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Picking a school chief's serious work

Photo by Vicki Harris

Photo by Vicki Harris

As most of you probably already know, I am a renowned visionary. With this fact in mind, I offer my vision for the Dougherty County School Board, circa 2020.

Chairman: I call the meeting of January 2020 School Board to order. We have a special meeting to appoint a new school Superintendent. Do we have any applicants?

Secretary: Yes, we have over 100 applicants since we've changed the criteria for application. Well, actually, we never had any criteria but you know.

Chairman: OK, Let's take them one at a time. Who is first?

Board Member No. 1: Well, the first one checks on his application that he has no friendship or business with any board members and is not related to any member. He is, however, a Harvard graduate and was superintendent of the top high school in Florida. He also was number one out of the 103 applicants, according to the testing service we hired for $100,000 to determine our best candidate. Does anyone have any questions?

Board Member No. 2: What color is he?

Board Member No. 3: He's disqualified. We can't hire anyone that ain't friends with, or specially associated with, the School Board members. You got to be sure you can trust somebody before you put them with the School Board.

Chairman: Ok, that's right, let's move on to Number 2. He's ranked 88 out of 100, has only a high school degree, hasn't been employed in 12 years, but has been actively seeking employment when not, according to him, "drinking beer, chasing women, or avoiding the outstanding warrant in Arizona." He's also listed board members 3 and 4 as good friends and business associates.

Board Member No. 3: I move he be hired immediately.

Board Member No. 2: What color is he?

Chairman: It doesn't say what color he is, but I do note under extracurricular activities he enjoys coloring books and plays nicely with others his own age.

Board Member No. 5: Wait a minute, does he qualify to be superintendent if he only has a high school degree?

Board Member No. 4: No worries, we can hire him and then pay to send him to college for his undergraduate, a master's, and Ph.D. I have the employment contract he drafted. Right here in paragraph 28, it says we'll pay for him to attend Stanford and if he's not accepted, we'll just give him the tuition money and he'll get a mail-order degree. He'd be great, but Applicant 3 is my roommate and the mother of my child. I move we hire her immediately.

Board Member No. 2: What color is she?

Board Member No. 5: Wait, we're next to the last in the state in SAT scores, she doesn't even have a GED.

Board Member No. 3: Who cares? If we start near the bottom we have no place to go but up. Besides, at test time we'll just let the teachers take it for the kids.

Board Member No. 4: Whoa, that won't work. Since we changed the hiring practices at the school none of our teachers can read.

Board Member No. 3: Oh, That's right. Let's just hire Applicant 4. He gave every one of us $2,500 toward our re-election.

Board Member No. 2: What color is he?

Board Member No. 3: Can I be paid a reimbursement from the School Board for each meeting. I sit over here in the dark without cutting on my light and I think I should be able to receive payment for saving the county money while I sit in the dark.

Board Members Nos. 2, 3, and 4: We rule Number 4 is appointed. Call him and tell him he's hired so long as he donates another $2,500. Do I hear a motion to adjourn?

Board Member No. 2: What color is he?

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.