As a general rule, I am not much of a movie star watcher and don't particularly cater to watching celebrity news or watching "Dancing with the Stars." I don't care if Kate Plus Eight has nine, or if she remarries, has a tummy tuck or decides to have a sex change operation and become one of Cher's children.
With this said, I cannot, however, resist the ongoing saga concerning Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi. Randy is the brother of the more famous Dennis Quaid and has appeared in a few movies himself.
Randy and Evi have now gone to Canada and requested political asylum. In case you are not aware, the Quaids are wanted in California on a felony vandalism charge. This follows another charge they received for skipping out on a $20,000 motel bill a few months prior.
The felony vandalism charge concerns the Quaids selling their California home and then, many months later, secretly moving back into the home's pool house until the new absentee owners discovered them. They also took a large children's playhouse and demolished it, using the pieces to barricade around the pool house.
The Quaids posted $1 million bond and then failed to appear in court. The bond was then forfeited by the Judge and the Quaids were discovered in Vancover, Canada shopping when they were arrested. They then sought political asylum.
First of all, it is difficult to imagine why they decided to live in their former pool house, yet have enough money to post a $1 million bond. As a side note, they also missed a previous appearance and forfeited $500,000. Now, let's see, they had $1.5 Million dollars they could have used to purchase a pretty nice house -- even in Beverly Hills -- but instead squandered it posting bail because they decided to live in their former home's pool house.
The most remarkable part of this saga is the Quaids contend they need political asylum because they are being stalked by "Hollywood Star Whackers." The Quaids contend there is a squad of hitmen who go around killing famous Hollywood stars and allege among the victims are Heath Ledger, who the police claim died of a drug overdose; David Carradine, who was found hanged from a closet far overseas, and Chris Penn. They allege that Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen will be next. They also allude to their belief Michael Jackson was a victim of these Star Whackers. They offer no real motive for the Star Whackers, except to say the Star Wackers like to take out famous stars.
Now I know the economy has gone south. I understand business is not what it use to be. But, have the Star Whackers been reduced to trying to kill Randy Quaid?
What next? Will they try to take out Mr. Whipple or maybe the guy who plays the World's Most Interesting Man on the Dos Equis commercials? I mean, let's face it, Randy and Evi Quaid are not exactly Bogart and Bacall.
Evi contends that they will be killed by being knifed, double hanged or given a lethal dose of Demerol. Evi states, "We are this close to solving our own murder."
Wow, maybe the killers are really "Wacko Killers" then I'd believe they are after Randy and Evi. But, who knows? Maybe Britney Spears shaved her head to hide from the Whackers. Maybe that's why Mel Gibson now acts like a Wacko. I just don't know. If Bristol Palin had won "Dancing with the Stars," she might be dead.
What the heck, Canada's already full of kooks. I say, let 'em keep 'em.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.