Christmas has once again come and gone. Predictably the 6-year-old boy and 7-year-old girl couldn't have been any more excited if Fathead my dog had begun to speak English and Bambi our donkey danced the Cha-Cha. The amount of gifts received were obscene and I ate so much I'm thinking about ordering from the TV ad for the button that snaps on that will give you more room to button your pants.
As by now I am sure you are aware, my family is very sophisticated as further evidenced by some of their gifts from Santa. The favorite Santa gift was a game called Gassy Gus. Gassy Gus is a fat man whose belly grows as you pump his head up and down.
The game has cards with numbers between 1 and 6 with gassy foods receiving a high number of 6, such as pork and beans, and less gassy foods lower numbers. Each player receives five cards and must lay one card in front of Gassy Gus and then pump Gassy Gus's head the number of times on the card. The first person to use all their cards wins. But too many pumps and Gassy Gus does, well what you might think Gassy Gus does, and then you have to pick up two new cards instead of getting rid of a card.
Showing how cultured they are, the kids were glued to Gassy Gus for hours. One thing about 6- and 7-year-olds -- you can never tell enough toilet humor and the jokes never get old. The whole family had to play and before long my wife was the master of strategy, able to rid herself of cards without offending Gassy. A Norman Rockwell moment, it was not.
After playing for some time, the little girl said, "Daddy, sometimes after Gassy Gus blows a tooty it smells like it, too."
I was explaining, thankfully, Gassy Gus does not come with a smell feature when the little boy piped up and said, "Well, actually sometimes when Gassy Gus blows a tooty, I do, too."
I guess that adds a new meaning to all the new interactive games on the market.
Another very sophisticated gift I received was from my sister-in-law and her husband. I am now the proud recipient of the "Bacon of the Month" club. Each month, I shall receive a new selection of extra special bacon.
Now, in the past, I have been a recipient of the "Beer of the Month" club and "Wine of the Month" club. I liked both these clubs, but the beer of the month only sent a six-pack at a time and I was left to sit and scratch my head wondering what in the world will I do with only one six-pack.
The "Bacon of the Month" is right up my alley. The gift came with the first month's selection, an apple smoked Iowa bacon. The strips looked like they were cut from a pork roast. The aroma from the apple flavored smoked pig drifted through the house, almost overtaking Gassy Gus. There were 12 delectable pieces of bacon and I managed to eat 10 myself before letting the children have one piece of bacon each ... well, after they struggled and held me down on the floor and took it from my clinched fist.
Yes, my in-laws know me well. I'm thinking maybe for my birthday they will enroll me in the "Yeast Roll of the Month" club. Maybe next, the "Fried Chicken of the Month" club. Before long, I'll be able to have a sophisticated holiday party with strips of bacon as hors d'oeuvres and fried chicken throughout the house each adorned by a plump, buttered yeast roll.
Oh course, we'll all be gathered around the table playing Gassy Gus. Well, everyone but the little boy, who maybe we'll lock in the closet. Like I said, Norman Rockwell, it ain't.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.