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Blame our obesity problem on the convenience stores

I see where Michelle Obama has started some type of initiative to fight childhood obesity. It is no secret Americans are too fat. We eat too much and exercise too little. Before long it will be hard to get anyone to pay to see the fat lady at the fair. Why pay when you can go to Wal-Mart any day of the week and see 10, usually riding around on a scooter, for free.

But I got to thinking, which of course is very scary and very rare: Why are we all so fat? Is it really poor diet and no exercise? I think I have discovered the true culprit.

Let's say you are an average American, which means about 5 foot 10 inches tall and 285 pounds. You have to attend a corporate-sponsored diversity workshop in Atlanta. You'd rather stand on your head in a fire-ant bed than listen to this drivel. Everyone will attend and talk about how great diversity is in the workplace. Diversity, in reality, is a code word for we are about to hire someone incompetent who didn't meet any of our normal criteria so you can work more hours each week to pick up their slack. Now everyone at the meeting, white folks, African American folks, Oriental Americans, Indians, both from India and Cherokee nation, Jewish folks, Muslim folks, Eskimos and the dalai lama will applaud the effort and say how great is diversity. They'll then all drive home to their exclusively white, or black, or Indian, or dalai lama neighborhood, go to their separate house of worship, separate schools, meet with their own friends and wait until they are forced to attend another diversity hoopla.

Anyway, it is a three-hour ride so you stop to get gas and go inside to the local convenience store. There, on aisle three, in the back is a honey bun calling your name. "Come to me," says the honey bun. "You need me to stay awake on the drive. Better fat than dead from a car crash. You, of course, take one and a Texas cinnamon roll to boot, just in case. This stuff develops a powerful thirst, so you add a 16 ounce Coke and head to Atlanta.

Once at the diversity meeting, it would be impolite to turn down the Krispy Kreme doughnuts that were purchased at the convenience store, so you eat three -- one chocolate, one plain and one jelly filled -- least you appear undiversified. At the end of the meeting, it would be very impolite, and appear that you did not support diversity, if you did not go to lunch with everyone. So you eat a big spread, all of course charged to the corporate account. You then head home, and after all this eating have become sleepy.

You stop again at the convenience store, and in the back you hear a Goo Goo Cluster calling your name. "Come to me, you are again sleepy." By now you're in a hypnotic trance and you grab a Goo Goo Cluster, a 24 ounce Coke and a bag of Sugar Babies for good measure. By the time you get home, the steering wheel has rubbed a hole in your shirt where your belly is rubbing against the wheel as you drive. All this eating has also caused you heartburn so you stop at the last convenience store, buy a deluxe-size ice cream sandwich which always soothes the burn, and head to the house.

Yep, it is pure and simple. It is the convenience store that has made America fat. I say we must ban convenience stores and ban diversity meetings. Please excuse me while I finish my Cheetos, purchased of course at the convenience store, and drive my scooter to bed.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.