Like millions of other Americans, I did not watch Tiger Woods apologize to the world for cheating on his wife. Whatever happened to the good ol' days when a man apologized to his wife and left everybody else out of the fray?
I mean why would Tiger apologize to me? I don't care if he slept with Susan Boyle. Mind you, if he did, I would like to know a few details, but I don't really care.
I was, however, intrigued by two aspects of the apology.
First, Tiger says he must now return to the Sex Addiction Clinic, where he has apparently been for a month in Mississippi. What exactly does a sex clinic do for a man who has the sexual habits of an Australian hare? I can see the nurse now, "Mr. Woods, anytime you feel an uncomfortable urge, you need to direct your attention to another hobby, like say golf. No, never mind, I see that didn't work too well, now did it?"
Maybe, to control his sex drive, they shot him up with the female hormone estrogen. He may show up at the Masters wearing a tutu singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" for all I know.
And why is this clinic located in Mississippi? Wouldn't they find more sex addicts in Las Vegas or California? Then again, it may be located in Mississippi to reduce temptation. You wouldn't open an Alcoholics Anonymous beside a liquor store, I suppose.
The second aspect has me even more perplexed. One of his lovers was an adult film star whose name I've already forgotten. I have never been good with names, but the rest of her, well, I do remember, including her red hair and the fact she's hired attorney Gloria Allred to do something for her.
What she is to do is the question. This porn star claims she is devastated because Tiger told her he loved her and -- get this -- she now suspects he was using her only for sex.
This woman makes her living performing sex acts in front of 5,000-watt lights, with cameras filming every move from every angle known to man, doing things most people wouldn't do in an underground cave -- except, of course, for Tiger Woods. Now, she's surprised he used her for sex? Which, I guess, should also explain her claim that she didn't know he was married until over a year after the relationship began.
Maybe she had been performing all those acts in an underground cave after all.
I really don't know what has happened in America. Back when I was a child, if you got caught robbing a liquor store, you professed your guilt, asked for forgiveness and said you did something stupid.
If you were an alcoholic, you acknowledged you had a drinking problem, quit drinking and blamed yourself for being a fool to start drinking to begin with.
If you got caught running around, you asked your family for forgiveness and said you let your personal desire get in the way of that which you knew was right.
Now, an alcoholic is caused to drink because it is a disease. One commits a crime because of being poor or a bad background or the fact their third-grade teacher made them stand in the corner. And now, to top it all off, I find out the reason a man cheats is that he is a sex addict.
Poor guy, maybe the doctor can give him some penicillin and he will be cleared up in a few days.
Well, these days penicillin might not do the trick either. Anyway, I hope Tiger conquers his addiction, but either way he doesn't owe me an apology, unless I find out he really did sleep with Susan Boyle.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.