I see you got your ears lowered!" the old man said to his much younger lunch companion. I hadn't heard that in a while, so I chuckled a little and smiled at the two sitting at the table next to me.
"Huh?" the younger fella said and wrinkled up his brow, then he touched - actually touched - his ears with the tips of his fingers like he was making sure they were still there.
The older gentleman laughed. "Haven't you ever heard that before?" he asked. The younger guy gave him a cockeyed look.
"Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit! I thought everybody knew that one," said the older fella and gave me a wink. I laughed, then he pointed to his friend and said, "He thinks if brains were lard I wouldn't have enough to grease a skillet."
Call me crazier than a pet coon, but I understood him all right. It's the kind of speak I can relate to.
Bless their hearts, if only more people got the right talking to, maybe we'd have far less wrongs going on in the world. I'm not a believer in physical abuse, but maybe if more folks were told they were going to get snatched baldheaded, they would straighten up. I've never heard proof that anybody has actually ever knocked somebody nekkid and stolen their clothes, but if somebody said that to me, you'd best believe I'd fly straight.
Only the most crass people come out and say somebody's stupid. It's much nicer to say somebody was picked before they were ripe, touched in the head, or that her driveway doesn't go all the way to the road. I have been told that if brains were leather I couldn't saddle a flea, but I've also been told that I'm smart as a hog. I've met people that would have to get smarter just to be stupid.
I've heard tale of folks that were so short they could sit on the floor and dangle their feet, and play handball against the curb. I've known people described as ugly as a blind cobbler's thumb, so skinny that they had to stand in the same place twice to throw a shadow, so large that it takes two dogs to bark at them, so buck-toothed they could eat corn on the cob through a key hole, and so poor that if it took a nickel to get around the world they couldn't get out of sight.
Apparently, there are cooks so bad that the dog licks itself to get the taste out of its mouth, people so shady that you have to count your fingers after you shake hands with them, and as useless as a pocket in your underwear or a screen door on a submarine.
I know folks that are so mean hell wouldn't have them, so old that they went to high school with God, and so tight with money that they squeak when they walk.
Yes, politically correct or not, I am country as cornflakes and understand most of the talk plain as day. Yet, there are still some that I just don't quite get - like, if a frog had a pocket he'd carry a pistol, and I can't sing and it's too wet to plow. What do those mean?
Maybe I am dumb as a box of rocks after all. At least I'm happy as a hog in slop.
Contact Mandy Flynn at email@example.com.