When President Obama ran for president, he promised on numerous occasions that his governance would trumpet transparency. He pledged the debate concerning healthcare reform would play out on C-Span, where all citizens could watch the entire process. There would be no hidden agendas, back door deals or corrupt transactions. To ensure this occurred, he actually created a czar position, appointing a chairman of his transparency commission. God, I wish I was actually making this up.
Well, of course, there has been no C-Span. And if one more back door deal is struck, Alaska may be given back to Russia. For the record, I'm willing to support healthcare if Obama will guarantee I won't have to pay income tax for the next 20 years and buy me a new Hummer, not the newer mini ones, but a big one like Arnold used to drive before California turned him into a Pansy. I always wanted one of those so I could help further global warming.
But, I stray from my message. Last week, responding to criticism about the lack of transparency, Obama called a meeting with his transparency czar, and again, I wish to God I was making this up, closed the meeting to the press.
I guess when he says it's a transparency czar, he means the czar is invisible. I can see it now, "Mr. President, I think we need to have a meeting to discuss transparency, especially as it relates to the healthcare bill. Should I call the press to let them know we're having a meeting?" says the transparency czar.
"Oh no, we don't need the press for the transparency meeting, nor should they be around when we're doing the healthcare bill. We'll contact all those folks on the day I sign the bill. I'll make sure the Oval Office is available to everyone so they can take lots of pictures of me smiling while I sign this bill that no one knows what it says, ha! ha!, including me." says the president.
"Gee Whiz, Mr. President, I like your idea of transparency. It sure makes it a lot easier to get things done," says the czar.
"Oh yes, we don't need the press around to get folks all worked up over how we buy folks off, uh, I mean negotiate a deal. They should know by now, if I say the deal is on the up and up, then by golly, it's on the up and up. Who needs to by bothered with fact checking," gushed the president.
"Mr. President, with the way the vote looks like it might turn out in Massachusetts, we may need to buy off, uh, I mean strike a negotiation with some other senators to make sure the healthcare bill passes."
"Well now, don 't you worry, I've already struck a deal with a Wyoming senator that each citizen of Wyoming will be paid $50,000 a year for the next 10 years so long as he votes for the bill."
"Mr. President, won't that cost the taxpayers in the other 49 states a lot of money?" asked the czar.
"Give me a break. They should be happy I didn't pick California. Wyoming doesn't have that many people, so it will only add a few trillion more dollars to the deficit, which I will be reducing next year at a closed door meeting, but we'll hash out the details later. By then, unemployment will only be at 15 percent, which is a lot better than it would have been if I had not created 700 million new jobs by spending $18 trillion. Of course, all the new jobs are government jobs, which means we'll need to raise the income tax rate to 98 percent on anyone making more than minimum wage."
"Mr. President, I'm beginning to understand better each day why you like transparency so much. I can't wait until the next stimulus package."
DISCLAIMER: Any semblance to reality whether real or imagined created by this article is now, and always will be, solely intended by the writer.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.