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Iranian ban an achy breaky heartbreaker

Photo by Vicki Harris

Photo by Vicki Harris

Over the years, I have often been reminded that no one or nothing is either all bad or all good. Even the worst person has some redeeming quality, although I am hard pressed to come up with one for Charles Manson at the moment. And, even the best person has at least something they need to work on.

So it is also with nations. Case in point is the fine country of Iran, filled with religious zealots, camels and bad breath. Here is a country that believes women should be treated as property by men, but somehow the United States voted to place them on the United Nations Board for Women's Rights.

Go figure.

It is a nation where women caught in an adulterous affair are buried to their shoulders in sand and then stoned to death. Men caught for the same offense are generally not punished because it's believed their actions were caused by the evil seductress, an adulterous woman, who forced him to flee from his relationship with a camel and to her.

Iran, where political prisoners are tortured by the thousands and where thousands die each year in prison.

I can go on and on, but you get the picture. But recent news from Iran gives me hope for the ayatollahs everywhere. You see, Iran recently passed a series of reform legislation, the most important piece being their decision to ban men from wearing a mullet haircut.

In case you missed Billy Ray Cyrus singing "Achy Breaky Heart" -- and God knows I wish I had -- a mullet is where a man has short hair on the sides and top but a long shoulder length back portion. Brad Pitt couldn't get a date in a women's prison if he had a mullet. Had Cary Grant worn a mullet, he would have died pennyless and homeless on the streets somewhere near El Paso, Texas. If Clint Eastwood had worn a mullet, I would have pulled for the psycho cop killer in "Dirty Harry." If the Lone Ranger wore a mullet, Tonto would have scalped him and then buried it before someone mistook it for a dead possum.

See, Iran has done what no one in the U.S. had the courage to do.

Instead, we let the mullet die a long, slow death, along with Billy Ray Cyrus' music career. Untold years of suffering occurred as mothers wailed seeing their sons hit the street looking as if they lost a battle with a Weed Eater. Fathers everywhere begged their daughters not to date a guy with a mullet. Date a guy with a crew cut, a guy with hair like Bon Jovi 1985 or even a mohawk. Anything but a mullet.

As long as Iran is at it, it may as well add a few more bans. How about banning pants around the knees? If I wanted to see a man's rear end, I would go to a gay club in San Francisco.

They could ban gold teeth grills. How can you have a conversation with someone when you are wondering how much you could get if you busted out all his teeth and took them to the local pawn shop?

They could also ban carving names in the side of your hair, and maybe add a ban to anyone wearing a cap backwards. I am a firm believer that God intended for baseball to be played in the daytime on a field that a cow could eat and that caps should be worn where the bill shades your eyes.

I am not sure these reforms are enough to change my mind about Iran, but it sure would be a good start. I have long since given up on banning anything in the United States. Here you can say anything, wear anything and do anything unless the political correctness crowd gets you for talking about someone of the opposite sex, race, religion, gender, illegal immigrants or foreigners.

I wonder if Iran has a ban on all that, too?

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.