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Doing research whets the appetite

Photo by Vicki Harris

Photo by Vicki Harris

I read earlier this week where the government just completed a study to determine whether it is true that teenage boys actually eat much larger amounts of food than younger children or adults.

Well, I'm glad they performed a study to make this determination.

Teenage boys can generally eat the equivalent of the Dallas Cowboy's football team. For that matter, on more than one occasion, I've observed full grown adults at Ryan's buffet do the same. At any rate, it is comforting to know that the government spent over a million dollars to finally come to the conclusion that indeed teenage boys generally eat more food than average adults, excluding Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne Barr.

Since the government has so much money to spend and so little time in which to spend it, I suggest they commission other studies of equal importance.

Why don't they commission a study to determine whether or not men leaving the bathroom toilet seat up irritates women? Who knows? It really may be just a myth. Women may actually call each other in glee each time they discover that their husband has left the toilet seat up and they have had the opportunity to cool their rear end in the toilet.

We could also commission a study to determine whether it's true that Georgia fraternity boys drink more beer than the average American. Again, excluding NASCAR race fans, anyone attending a World Wrestling Entertainment match or monster truck rally, and John Daley.

Perhaps we could spend money to determine if women take longer to fix their hair than men -- excluding Jeff Gordon and Al Gore, of course.

I'd be all for a study to determine if strippers are more promiscuous than Catholic nuns. I'll sacrifice and do the research concerning the strippers. When my wife finds out, I may as well join the nunnery.

How about a study to determine if dogs really don't like cats? I asked Fathead, my 100-pound Rottweler mix, and he says he does indeed like cats, but not so much Persians and the long-haired varieties. He says it is harder to eat them with all that fur.

I brought a couple of the neighbor's cats over, just to test the theory. I really don't want to talk about what happened next, but it's safe to say that there will be less money spent on cat food in the neighborhood next month than the previous month.

Let's do a study to determine if, given the opportunity, the government will spend more money than it has.

Will Lindsey Lohan take a drink?

Is Joran van der Sloot a bad choice for a first date?

Could we do a study to see if Barack Obama actually has a birth certificate from anywhere, any state, any country? He's the only person I've ever seen who, when questioned about whether or not he could prove where he was born, did not simply produce a birth certificate. Instead, he's produced everything known to man, including a copy of a reported birth announcement from a Hawaii paper in 1961. Wouldn't it be a lot easier to simply show a copy of your birth certificate? Hmm ... unless of course, you don't have one.

I could go on and on with needed studies. It's clear the government has its priorities straight and I'm thankful they have determined that teenage boys are indeed eating more than the rest of us.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.