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Curling medal's a broomsweep away

The Winter Olympics have finally concluded with the USA totaling the most medals.

To tell the truth, I did not watch very much of it. I don't ice skate, bob sled, snow board, or ski jump. I watched a little hockey, but I don't know the rules -- although I think it is OK to hit an opponent with a roundhouse right just as long as you don't eye gouge or hair pull.

As a father, I guess it is natural to imagine one of your children one day making the Olympics. You know, maybe a champion swimmer, gymnast, or weight lifter.

I've decided the typical Olympic sports are not realistic goals for my 5-year-old boy and 6-year-old girl. There are hundreds of thousands of swimmers in the USA. Tens of thousands of gymnasts, weight lifters, skiers, skaters, etc. You could be one of the very best in the area and still only be ranked No. 862 in the country.

I've decided to teach my kids to curl.

I did watch some of the curling at the Winter Olympics. It is sort of like a car wreck -- you don't want to look but you can't turn away. Curling, in case you missed it, involves one person, I call the pusher, gently sliding a flat round rock on ice toward a target drawn on the ice, while two other people manically sweep the ice in front of the rock.

I don't know where it originated but it must have been very, very dull there.

Curling is a cross between darts, shuffle board, croquet, horseshoes and housekeeping. I suspect the USA Curling team practiced by renting out the Holiday Inn and then sweeping out all the rooms. I have absolutely no idea what the rules are, except I am pretty sure you can't give an opponent a roundhouse right, or gouge their eyes.

Someone said it was invented by folks drinking beer and playing on the ice.

If so, it should be right up south Georgia's alley -- minus the ice, of course. I figure there can't be more than 250 curlers in the entire United States. Probably none are a brother-sister combination.

I can let my kids practice in the driveway, one rolling a bowling ball while the other sweeps in front. Right out of the chute, I'll be able to claim that they are in the top 250 curlers nationwide and maybe No. 1 as a brother-sister combo.

But, I realize at some point I will need to have them properly equipped for the actual sport. I wonder who in the hell sells curling equipment? You think the Maytag repair man is lonely? Imagine owning a curling supply store.

I'm trying to figure out how the Olympic Committee decided that baseball is not a proper sport for the Olympics, but somehow Curling qualifies. What will they have next, a hacky sack category?

Since they are already taking a sport derived from beer drinking, how about Olympic quarters, where people try to bounce quarters into beer mugs and make others drink. I'm pretty sure one of the University of Georgia fraternities could take home the gold, silver and the bronze.

To be politically correct, I guess I'll let the little boy be the sweeper and the little girl the pusher. If I let the little boy be the pusher, he'd probably tear the rock up anyway.

I'd say we should be ready for the Olympics in 2018. I'll bring the kids, the bowling ball, and the broom. If you would, please bring the beer.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.