I recently read with interest, as opposed to my usual reading with a lack of interest, where Donald Wolfe, a 59-year-old Pennsylvania man, was charged with public drunkenness for trying to give a possum mouth to mouth resuscitation.
This great humanitarian gesture occurred near Punxsutawney, Pa., where the famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, lives.
I am nearly speechless over this news story. For starters, don't the folks in Pennsylvania know that possums often play "possum," i.e. dead. This poor drunk could have been attempting resuscitation on a live possum for all we know. In fairness to the Pennsylvania State Patrol, however, the article stated he was "a long dead possum" although how they know this fact was graciously omitted.
Apparently Wolfe, whom I might add is apparently magnificently named, was spotted conducting a seance with the possum and then performing mouth to mouth resuscitation. The article did not give details but I'm left to wonder exactly what does one do to conduct a seance with a dead possum. Did he light candles in a circle all around the poor possum's body in the middle of the road? Perhaps he had a handy Ouija board or tarot cards.
Based on these actions, State Trooper Jamie Levier said Wolfe was "extremely intoxicated." I wonder how in the world he was able to deduce that fact. He must be the Columbo of Pennsylvania State Police.
Who says rednecks come from the South? With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a redneck if you give mouth to mouth resuscitation to a dead possum, after holding a seance over its body. This guy is damaging both rednecks, and drunks, reputations.
Listen, extremely intoxicated is peeing in your pants, pulling in the wrong driveway and then falling asleep in your neighbors house or telling your wife she's fat. I've been around rednecks, and drunks, most of my life, including myself, and not a one has ever tried mouth to mouth resuscitation on so much as their favorite coon dog, much less a possum.
Does this guy realize how busy he will become if he starts stopping on the side of the road to resuscitation every possum he finds? Before long, he will also be required to perform mouth to mouth on armadillos. If he doesn't watch it he might be called to resuscitate Nancy Pelosi, who I think has been at least brain dead for a number of years.
Let's be realistic though, you might get drunk enough to resuscitate a possum but I doubt it is possible to became drunk enough to resuscitate Pelosi, unless, of course, you mistook her for a possum, which is entirely possible.
I've seen guys get drunk and fall in roaring camp fires, jump out of the back of moving pickups, and kiss women ugly enough that the next morning they wished it had been a possum. But enough about me. I can proudly say I have never actually witnessed a human being trying to resuscitate a possum.
I have some friendly advice for the troopers in Pennsylvania. They might need to consider conducting a blood test on Mr. Wolfe. I have a feeling more than tequila and vodka were fueling his efforts.
And, to Mr. Wolfe, next time if under arrest remember just play possum.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.