Congressional ban on old-fashioned bulbs dims America's future

Photo by Vicki Harris

Photo by Vicki Harris

I have feared for many years that mankind is becoming increasingly dumber. Well, actually, I have also figured that I am becoming increasingly dumber, but that is another story for another day.

I theorize that evolution would normally take out the weaker genes and over time, little by little, human beings should be getting smarter. It is more likely a smart person will figure out how to survive a disaster, or create proper shelter for a home, take care of their health, or even pick a suitable mate.

But, society today coddles and cares for the weak and the strong alike, genius and idiot, so evolution has ceased to work. We're breeding dumb people at a faster rate than ever in history. In the old days, a dumb guy would starve, or fall off a cliff, or freeze to death without proper shelter. Now, we provide them food, shelter ... and they become congressmen.

I must now admit this theory may not be correct. Mind you, I think people are still getting dumber, but I may not be right about the reason.

Psychologist Michael Slepian of Tufts University recently conducted a series of experiments to determine if the sight of a light bulb might actually spur bright ideas. You know, like a light bulb lit over a cartoon character's head. His study found that, indeed, viewing a light bulb or being exposed to a light bulb increased the intelligence of college students.

Word games were played where some students were in a room with only an old fashion incandescent bulb and in another room were students under a florescent bulb. Students under the old fashion light bulbs performed significantly faster and better at these word games.

In another experiment, 79 college students were given three minutes to solve a problem in which they had to connect four dots arranged in a square by drawing three connected straight lines. For those uninformed, this meant the college students must be able to draw a triangle. And to think, you have been worried about the educational system in this country!

Those performing the task with an old fashion light bulb solved the problems twice as often as those taking the test under a florescent light.

So, there you have it. It is the government's fault. They decided to ban incandescent light bulbs to save energy and force us to either use regular florescent bulbs, or God forbid, those squiggly florescent bulbs that make it impossible to learn, mainly because there's not enough light in the room to see.

I am immediately calling an electrician to change the overhead florescent bulbs above each of my secretary's work stations and replace them with a simple 1942-style 100-watt bulb. I expect the intelligence level in the office to increase exponentially.

I guess I need to change out the bulbs in my office as well.

I say, call your congressman today. We need to change the law banning incandescent bulbs and instead force everyone to have an incandescent bulb. I plan to appear in court and make all closing arguments by holding a light bulb in one hand. There is no limit to the creativity that may occur as I stare at the light bulb and pontificate pearls of wisdom. We need to line the halls of Congress with old style light bulbs.

Before long, our congressmen may even know how to draw a triangle.

Maybe we can put a light bulb on car dashboards and folks will quit driving with their blinkers on. Remember, don't be in the dark, buy an incandescent 100 watt light bulb. America's future may be at stake.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.