I, like many Americans, have become increasingly concerned about the issue of illegal aliens flooding this country. What is being done, what should be done, why isn't anything being done, are all valid questions and they deserve an answer. Fortunately, a man of my stature, about 6'4" to be exact, has many contacts in high places.
I obtained a tape recording at the highest level of government and provide this unedited and unconfirmed version for your educational enlightenment.
"Mr. President, the people in Arizona are near revolt. They've passed a strict illegal alien law and claim the U.S. Government is not doing anything about the problem" says David Axelrod, Presidential Chief Czar in charge of all Czars.
"Well, David, I don't have time for foreign affairs. I need to concentrate on domestic issues. Send someone to meet with the foreign council of Arizona" responds the President.
"Sir, Arizona is part of the United States. They don't have a foreign council."
"Oh, next you'll tell me that place where Sarah Palin lives is a state. Blame it on George W. Bush. I think he lives nearby. Anyway, what's the big deal about illegal aliens? We already have three or four in glass jars out at Studio 54."
"Sir, that's Hanger 51, top secret Air Force base, in the Nevada desert. Studio 54 was the New York night club in the 80's where all the celebrities snorted cocaine."
"Oh, yeah. I went there a time or two, talked about it in my book. Can we identify where these aliens are coming from?"
"No sir, they don't have any papers. Arizona wants them to produce some, something like a birth certificate."
"No birth certificates, just tell them to keep a clipping from a local newspaper showing where they were born. Let's call Bush and see what he was doing about the problem."
"George, this is Barack Obama, I need to talk with you about all these illegal aliens."
"Osama Bin Laden! Where are you? The White House, my gosh, under my nose all this time."
'No, George, I'm now the President, Obama, and I need to know why you didn't do something about these illegal aliens."
"I did. There was not a documented case of a Martian, space predator, or any other alien entering the United States under my watch. We had the borders of the United States as secure as a deep sea oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. Speaking of which, can you help a contemporary out a little bit, my Haliburton stock is taking a beating."
"I'll see what I can do. But until we can figure out who these aliens are, and where they're coming from, I don't think there's much that can be done. Whoever said if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a duck was a complete fool."
"David, let's get Acorn on the phone. I think we need to send them down to the border. It looks like they've got a lot of work to do before the election. We need to get these illegal aliens registered to vote. I understand those folks from outer space love most of my proposals."
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.