Stimulus is enough to wake the dead

Photo by Vicki Harris

Photo by Vicki Harris

This past week overwhelmed my feeble mind with bizarre and sometimes sad -- or perhaps I should say pathetic -- news stories. The end result is random thoughts on random matters that probably don't matter anyway.

Why would parents of a 14-year-old teenager with a pierced nose sue the school for sending the kid home for violating the school dress code? I guess the fact the kid has a pierced nose should clue me in on the reason.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I don't find the banning of nose piercing as particularly oppressive. I know it "violated the kids constitutional rights," but can't people use a little common sense? Again, we are dealing with folks who have their nose pierced, so maybe not. Just because you have a "right" doesn't mean you need to try and enforce it.

When I was in school, we had a haircut rule. No hair could touch the collar, ears or eyebrows. In what can only now be described as poetic justice, I hated the rule and wanted long hair.

William "Buck" Owens, our headmaster pulled me to the side, informing me I must get a haircut. I did nothing. He gave me a second chance. Again nothing. On the third occasion, he simply took me downtown to see Fred Puckett, the town barber. Fred was a fine first-class barber and you could request any style haircut you preferred. Request all you want, but Fred had only two styles -- a crew cut or flattop. Somewhere, some place, the Marines were missing a barber and I suspect he now was in Dawson.

Fred gave me the haircut of a lifetime. Forget worrying whether my hair touched my ears. I wondered if it still touched my head. I came home and complained heartily at this indignation. My father said nothing, pleased he got me a free haircut. My mother said I looked nice.

I learned that maybe next time I better get my own haircut. I'm not sure what the pierced nose kid has learned.

I also see where the stimulus checks, sent to everyone in the amount of $250, really did indeed go to everyone. According to the Government Accounting Office, if you believe there is actually such an organization, 72,000 dead people got checks totaling $18 million dollars. The great thing about this is the fact the dead folks managed to cash the checks. See, it really is a stimulus after all. Who knew? I thought only Jesus Christ rose from the dead, but apparently for $250 from the U.S. Treasury, resurrections occur daily.

I also saw where Lt. Col. Martin Kober found a painting, which formerly hung on his family's wall until a child hit it with a tennis ball, knocking it off the wall. I guess it was not a family favorite, as they decided to put it in the closet rather than take the time to re-hang it.

It has now been determined it is an unfinished Michelangelo worth millions.

I'm encouraged by this news. First, because it lets me know that even Michelangelo occasionally didn't finish what he started. More importantly, I have several potential masterpieces in my closet.

There is a fine version of Dogs Playing Poker, surely worth thousands, I've got Heroes of the Confederacy, the Ducks Unlimited print of the year, and enough Auburn great moments prints to fill a flea market. Each is so priceless that they sit in the attic or closet. But one day, yes, one day, my children will discover their true value.

Until next time, I'll be busy collecting stimulus money for all my dead relatives, even though I hate to bother them at the cemetery to get their signatures. I'll use the money to pierce everyone's nose so I can sue the schools and make a lot of money. I'll use the money then to open my own art museum.

Who says the stimulus money doesn't work, see how quickly the stimulus money multiplies?

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.