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What dies in Vegas stays in Vegas

Photo by Vicki Harris

Photo by Vicki Harris

It seems to me that life becomes more and more chaotic with each passing year. With this said, I don't believe my life has become nearly as chaotic as it has for Bill James of Las Vegas, Nev.

Perhaps you may have missed this tidbit in the news, but poor Bill lost his dear wife, Billie Jean James, age 67, approximately four months ago. Now, when I say lost, I don't mean it as a euphemism for death, but I mean he actually lost his wife.

Bill, understandably, was distraught once he could not locate his wife and called the police. This all occurred sometime in April. The police searched all around, including his home with no results.

Now, some four months later, low and behold, Bill found his wife after noticing a pair of feet sticking out from under a pile of junk in his home. Yes, you guessed it, the feet belonged to poor Billie Jean and Bill was stunned to find out his wife was buried in a pile of rubble somewhere between the living room and the bathroom.

I should think from here on out my wife will quit complaining about me leaving my shoes in the hallway.

I must say, this discovery adds new meaning to the phrase "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Apparently, Billie Jean was a hoarder and, for those of you who have managed to not have the misfortune of watching the new "Hoarders" series on television, a hoarder is someone who cannot throw anything away and additionally collects stuff such that their house becomes completely overtaken by junk.

Often times the junk is rotting garbage and a list of disgusting things. I guess we can now add dead body to the list. At any rate, because of all this junk in the home, Bill, and apparently the police, did not discover she was missing in the home all along.

As you might imagine, this case cries out for an observation or two.

First of all, exactly what type relationship must Bill have had with his wife so that she can be missing for four months in the marital home and Bill hasn't so much as looked under the sofa cushions? For crying out loud, I've turned the house upside down looking for the television remote. Bill, it seems, must have simply stuck his head in each room and yelled, "Honey, are you in there?" Having heard no reply, I guess he went back to the black jack tables.

Even more disturbing, the police reported they do not suspect foul play. Are you kidding me? Your wife has been dead in your house for four months and you are not a suspect? All I can say is that if you have a troubled marriage, do not believe your husband if he suggests you should go on vacation to Las Vegas. He'll probably stuff you in the hotel room closet and when you're found weeks later, the police will say, "We don't expect foul play."

I'm also curious about the feet sticking out of the junk. This has been four months. What in God's name did the feet look like by the time Bill finally observed them?

I further understand that Bill is upset stating that the press has criticized the amount of clutter in the home and has unfairly portrayed and exaggerated his housekeeping. Now, Bill, a dead body has been buried in your home for four months without discovery. I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but it's safe to say Martha Stewart you ain't.

I haven't heard what Billy Jean died from, but if the Las Vegas Forensic Department is as crackpot as their police department, they'll declare she died because her heart stopped beating. If they keep digging, literally, they may even find out what happened to the children after graduation.

Oh boy, only in Vegas.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.