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Even criminals are inept these days

Photo by Vicki Harris

Photo by Vicki Harris

I recently read where Roy and Jessica Fritts of Union, Oregon, were arrested in nearby Echo, Utah, after trying to break into someone’s home. This followed a situation after they shot one of their traveling companions in Utah and their car stalled out. It appears Roy was also wanted in Oregon after fleeing from supervised prison release prior to his latest crime spree.

What caught my attention about the case, however, is the fact that after Roy’s car stalled out he tried to hijack a car from a Utah driver, but was unsuccessful because according to authorities “he could not operate the stick shift.”

Man, oh man, what is the world coming to? Can anybody do anything anymore?

I mean here we have it, a prison escapee on a daring crime spree and he can’t drive a car with a stick shift? What ever happened to the good ol’ days? I suspect Bonnie and Clyde could have driven a D10 bulldozer and Lear Jet if circumstances arose to require it. Now, even the criminals in America are so inept, uneducated and untrained that they can’t drive a stick shift. Worse yet, it’s a guy who can’t drive a stick shift.

When they send this guy to prison, they may as well fit him with a tutu and enter him as a ballerina in the prison play. When I was growing up, there were certain things that any red-blooded American male would know how to do by the time he was 16 years old. A boy should be able to shoot a gun, drive a stick shift, change a flat tire, and be able to look his mama straight in the eye claiming that he had not tried to make any improper move on his date the night before.

In today’s world, if a kid has a flat tire, I guess they just haul the car off to the junk yard. Of course, come to think of it, I’m not sure I can change a tire on the newer cars. I have no desire to place one of those small, pathetic 45 mph gas-saver spares on any vehicle of mine.

I also refuse to use any jack that requires me to turn a handle round and round. A jack should be pumped up and down and there should be at least some risk that the whole car will fall off the jack, crushing either your hand, head, or both.

It is simply the American way.

Also, any lug nut that requires a special wrench to unlock it should be outlawed in the 50 states of the Union, except maybe for Massachusetts, where they deserve to have all the pain in the rear end they can.

The only thing I’m certain anybody now can do is talk on a cell phone and play a video game. Most of the time they can do both at the same time. I regret the day the cell phone was ever invented. There is a reason I get in my car and drive off in the country. It is so no one will disturb me. I do not want to be available for every conversation, question, funny video and reminder to bring home the milk. I now think the inventor of Pac Man should be slowly tortured to death.

Little did I know that before long these games would be converted to small handheld devices for children and, I use the term loosely, people up to the age of let’s say about 50 are mesmerized while playing games such as Angry Birds! My 6-year-old hurricane boy plays Angry Birds. I know some lawyers who play Angry Birds. I don’t have the slightest idea what goes on with Angry Birds, but whatever it is it sure has a lot of the male world infatuated.

When I was growing up, the only thing that could mesmerize me for more than 15 minutes would be a Playboy magazine secured from some friend’s father’s hidden place in his desk drawer. In today’s world, a kid would probably throw the Playboy away to make room for another video game.

Oh, well, I hope they give Roy the death penalty, not for his crimes, but for failing to know how to drive a stick shift. They can throw him in a prison cell with whoever invented Pac Man. Maybe that guy will like his ballerina outfit.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.

Comments

waltspecht 2 years, 8 months ago

You forgot baiting a hook as a rite of passage

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