Do big fences make better neighbors?

Carlton Fletcher

Carlton Fletcher

They say, "We be looking for illegal immigrants, can we check your car?" I say, "You know, it's funny, I think we were on the same boat back in 1694."

-- Indigo Girls

Looking for something for the man ... or woman ... or country that has everything? Got an extra $4 billion to $8 billion just lying around?

Well, here's how you can solve the "immigration issue" in America and show your significant other how much you really care.

You can help build a fence along the U.S.-Mexican border.

An organization calling itself Let Freedom Ring has started a fundraising campaign to raise the billions of dollars it would take to build the fence that would allow the American Southwest to sleep a little easier at night, knowing they were finally safe and secure.

You can learn all about the project at the website weneedafence.com.

Included in the information are such tidbits as:

- Various groups estimate that there are between 10 million and 20 million illegal immigrants living in the United States right now;

- More than 1 million such illegals are streaming across our border every year;

- The state of California spends in excess of $7.7 billion annually educating the children of illegal immigrants and spends $1.4 billion a year in both health care and incarceration of said illegals.

Let Freedom Ring's solution to this problem is unmistakable and succinct: We Need a Fence!

For the $8 million LFR -- which, oddly enough, is based in West Chester, Pa., a known hotbed of illegal alien infestation -- wants to raise to help people in Texas, Arizona, New Mexico and California sleep better at night, this is what you'd get:

- Two vehicle barriers on the southern side of the fence to keep would-be illegals from crashing into it;

- Two durable fences, from 12 to 15 feet high, topped with razor wire and surveillance cameras. Between the fences would be a patrol road for the agents charged with maintaining the integrity of the security system;

- Underground tunnel detectors;

- Motion detectors;

- A deep ditch on the northern side of the fence to discourage vehicles from crashing into the structure on that side ... although why these engineering whizzes feel there is a need to keep folks from crashing into the fence to get back into Mexico is beyond me.

Let Freedom Ring points out that the price for 2,000 miles of such fencing would be no more than four B-2 Bombers and would be a lot more effective in keeping unwanteds out of our land.

Color me convinced.

Who wouldn't feel secure knowing that a Mac Daddy chain link fence -- which every kid past the age of 6 in my neighborhood can get over, through or around -- is in place along our southern border? Heck, with the resulting decline in crime, school and prison costs, maybe then we can put up a ginormous sea wall in the Gulf of Mexico so that Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Florida won't feel left out.

And why stop there?

Let's get cracking on a similar fence up north to keep those sneaky Canadians with their centralized medicine in place. And if we're going to protect the states along the Gulf, we have to get some kind of barrier up along the Atlantic and Pacific coastlines, as well. It's only right.

Once we've got the $200 bazillion it's going to take to get all these fences and walls up around the lower 48, maybe we can just come up with two really big plastic bubbles to drop over Alaska and Hawaii ... unless, of course, we decided to let them fend for themselves. We can tell 'em it's the price they pay for separating themselves from everybody else.

The idea of building a security fence along the entire southern border of this country sounds like a moronic TV sitcom plot or maybe an idea for one of those futuristic "Blade Runner"-type movies that when it's over you wonder how dumb people in Hollywood think we are.

I'd be willing to bet the geniuses behind this cockamamie plan don't even get the irony that they're calling themselves Let Freedom Ring.