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Kardashian loses in marriage lottery

The 8-year-old empathy-filled princess was on a real roll on the way to school recently. She was talking about what she would do if she won the lottery. “I would spend the money on building churches all over the world. I’d go to all the places where people don’t believe in God, or worship the wrong kind of God. I’d make sure everyone knew they should love God and that they should do what God says.” On and on she went. She was quite convincing that, given lottery resources, she would find salvation for the entire world.

After about 10 minutes of this inspiring speech, the little 6-year-old hurricane boy said, “Well, if I win the lottery I’m going to buy myself an Xbox.”

Perhaps the little princess should search a little closer to home in her quest to grant salvation to the world. While she is at it, maybe she can give a little counseling to Kim Kardashian, whom I swore I would never mention in anything I write given that I have never watched her show and the only thing I know about her is that “baby has back,” as the song says.

But I couldn’t help but notice that she is now getting a divorce from her basketball Prince Charming, Kris Humphries, who apparently has now turned into a pumpkin after allegedly doing a little pumpkining with someone other than Kim.

I would note they had an extravagant wedding ceremony estimated to cost $10 million. The marriage lasted 72 days before Kim filed for divorce. In case you’re adding, that is $138,888.88 per day.

For what it is worth, Mr. Humphries stated, “I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce.”

What he could have said was, “I love my wife, but how in the world did she find out about me pumpkining those other three women?”

Kim stated, “After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned.” Maybe she should have given careful consideration before she married Kris.

To their credit, this is not by any means the shortest marriage between Hollywood couples. I believe Britney Spears was married less than 48 hours to her highschool sweetheart after marrying him in Las Vegas, ending a drunken stuper. I also seem to recall that Kenny Chesney married Renee Zellweger and it ended in less time than it takes for a Disney Cruise. I never did figure out what happened to that relationship, unless she was disappointed once Kenny finally took off his hat.

I really don’t know what to say about a 72-day marriage. I remember seeing People magazine having pictures splashed all over the cover, and everywhere else, talking about how “they are so in love you can just see it in their eyes.”

“I could tell the way they looked at each other, this was love forever.”

Or, “Kris is such a family man and the Kardashians are such close family he spent time with all the family.”

Perhaps that was the problem. Maybe Kris was spending time with some other family member and becoming a little too close. I wish for once that People and other magazines like that would simply print the truth. How about, “These two people are stark raving lunatics and would not know love if it arrived in a gold-plated Mercedes Benz. The only love they have is when they look in the mirror at themselves.”

Well, I’ll spend the next 72 days buying lottery tickets. Then I’ll buy a church, but not before we buy an Xbox.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.