Pulling in fear pushes others away

Photo by Vicki Harris

Photo by Vicki Harris

Do you ever find yourself checking up behind your significant other, constantly questioning her/his whereabouts, or insisting that she/he spend all of their free time with you? Are you a parent who restricts your teens from social events, set curfews and rules that are too rigid for their age, or insist that they do things your way because you’ve “been there, done that”? Do you find yourself getting upset and stressing over having to spend even minimal amounts of money, sacrificing quality at every turn to save a dollar, or refusing to lend a helping hand even when you have the extra cash to do so?

In the first instance you’re trying to keep a tight grip on a significant other. In the next, you’re trying to hold on tight to your teenagers. Finally, in the last instance, you’re trying clinging tightly to your money.

While these are three very different categories, they each have something quite interesting in common, and that is that they are each rooted in fear.

Many times in life we become hyper-vigilant in our relationships with our significant others, our children, and our relationships to our money. Our hyper-vigilance manifests itself as actions that might appear controlling with very little flexibility. This kind of rigidity is an attempt to hold on to what we are afraid of losing. However, in many cases, the tighter you try to hold on to something or someone to keep it or them close to you, the more you push it or them away.

The Law of Attraction, as written about in the book “The Secret,” teaches that when we focus on what we don’t want, that is what we are essentially drawing to us. When we find ourselves holding on tighter and tighter to something or someone, our thoughts are that “I don’t want to lose her/him, I don’t want my child to get hurt or to get pregnant, or I don’t want to be broke.” You can fill in the blank as it relates to your personal experience.

Author Rhonda Byrne writes that thoughts filled with fear lead to actions of fear and if they persist, we draw to us the very thing we fear. When you are stingy with your money, you send out the message that you are afraid to lose it. So, what happens? Fear sends you a speeding ticket, a car repair, or some other situation that forces money out of your possession.

When we keep our focus on what we want rather than on what we do not, we feel better. It is exhausting to always be super cautious about everything or to keep perfect track of every move your teenager or significant other makes.

Loosen your grip and use that energy for improving your relationships with those you love and to your money. Give money (happily) and you send the message that you have and want more of it. Begin to have conversations with your teenage sons and daughters that are not rooted in fear because that only drives them away. The only way you, as a parent can have positive influence in your child’s life is to establish a relationship with her/him. Relationship is not about power or control; it is about safety, mutual respect and love.

Be encouraged.

Contact columnist LaTonya Dunn at ln_dunn@yahoo.com.