I swore I would never again make mention of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar in an article. But, what the heck, it will not be the first time I have sworn to quit doing something only to return to the same bad habit.
I am virtually speechless over the news that Jim Bob, now 46, and his wife, Michelle, now 45, are delighted to learn she is pregnant and expecting their 20th child. Twenty children. I’ve known hens who have not laid 20 eggs in a lifetime and here’s Mrs. Duggar hellbent on making sure that Tontitown, Ark., increases its population before the next national census.
If someone told me I would go home tomorrow and have 20 children, I’d walk out in front of the nearest Peterbuilt truck. I’m all for doing your own thing, but has anyone seriously considered a little psychological evaluation of the Duggars, or at least putting Mrs. Duggar on some Paxil or something?
As things now stand, it takes me at least two hours to get two kids ready to go to school in the mornings. I would rather have planned the Normandy D-Day invasion than try to gather up 20 kids to start the day. If I had 20 kids, at least two or three would probably show up to school naked. They’d be out in the yard grazing on grass because the refrigerator would be empty.
And what about Mr. Jim Bob? I can’t possibly go to the bathroom now without one of my two kids pounding on the door and yelling such intelligent things as “What are you doing in there?” or “Can I come in, Dad?” If I had 20 kids, I’d just have to buy a separate piece of land, build a bathroom there and whenever nature called I’d just travel to the new piece of property.
What is really scary is that Mrs. Duggar is now 45 and apparently as fertile as a spring bunny. Millions of people pay thousands of dollars for fertility treatment just to have one child and Mrs. Duggar can get pregnant if she looks at a banana. If I were Mrs. Duggar, the second Jim Bob came in the bedroom acting amorous, I’d call the police and have him charged with assault with a deadly weapon.
I must say, however, the Duggars seem quiet content. Mrs. Duggar says “every child deserves to be excited, they are part of life.” I suppose that is true, but what about the parents? I mean, when Mr. Duggar goes to the delivery room, he probably has to take a five-hour energy drink just to stay awake during the process. Mrs. Duggar now probably has to fake labor pains and ugly sayings.
I really wish I were a child psychologist. Then I would do a study on the Duggar children. You know, you always read books about why somebody turned out the way they did because they were the middle child, or they were the first child, or they were the youngest child. What in the hell happens to you if you’re No. 13 or 18 or, if this thing doesn’t end before long, No. 30?
And, if you think 20 kids are bad, imagine in 25 years when they have 500 grandchildren. Oh well, better them than me.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.