Albany As a child, I often wanted to be a super hero. You know, Batman, Superman, or for some reason I wanted to be the Rockman in the Fantastic Four. That’s all well and good, but at some point in life I finally decided I should probably establish other goals as the likelihood of becoming Batman was even more remote than the possibility of becoming a famous rock-n-roll star or professional baseball player.
It appears, however, that in some places in America the dream never dies. I’ve been reading where individuals in large cities are now dressing in homemade super hero costumes, roaming the bad streets of the particular city, and claiming to be good Samaritan types. Apparently there is at least one such person in almost every major city.
I had seen something about this several times over the last few months but it all came to a head when I read about the arrest of one so called super hero this past weekend in Seattle. This super hero wears a black mask, with yellow stripes, and a bulging muscle body suit which allegedly will repel a knife blade and he also wears a bullet proof vest under the suit. That is a good thing because if this fellow ever appears on Lovers Lane Road in Dawson, Georgia in such an outfit, I may very well consider him potential target practice.
This fellow calls himself Phoenix Jones. He’s accused of pepper spraying several people in Seattle but claims he was simply breaking up a fight. Unfortunately, at least for him, the police claim he was the fight and have arrested him charging him with four counts of assault.
Well, the super hero did not take these charges laying down. He did what all super heroes do in our new modern world. He wrote a missive on his Facebook page, in capital letters no less, saying he would not “ever assault or hurt another person if they were not causing harm to another human being.”
Further trying to rehabilitate his image, the news report indicates that one Peter Tangen, identified as a volunteer spokesman for Jones, stated (Super heroes have spokespersons?) “they’re (the police) on a mission to stop Phoenix Jones from what he’s doing, which is legal.”
My question is, exactly what in the hell is it that Phoenix Jones is doing, legal or not. Most people quit playing dress up by the time they reach 7 or 8 years old. Jones, on the other hand, complained because the police took his outfit as evidence stating he should be back on patrol later tonight in a back up suit. He further explained that he is married to a woman with the name PurpleReign who is also a masked vigilante. He got married? And, he has a back-up suit?
I don’t know, maybe I’ll become a super hero. After all these years of thinking it was too late, perhaps I can become a super hero, go to Wallstreet, and beat the living tar out of all those idiot protesters milling around doing nothing, because they don’t have a job and don’t plan on getting a job. I’d like to protest a lot of things, but I’m afraid if I spent my time protesting, the bank would be protesting about my failure to pay the mortgage.
It is all so utterly ridiculous. Grown people in hero costumes, good grief. Thank God I’ve outgrown all that. But, I’ve got to go, headed to the Auburn game, face painted orange, orange pants, jersey shirt, Auburn hat, #1 finger, etc.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.