The world is becoming a stranger and stranger place. First, I understand a Federal Judge has ruled it is unconstitutional for Florida to require those receiving welfare funds to pass a drug test before receiving the funds. Now let me see. I must pass a drug test to work for most corporations like, Proctor & Gamble or Walmart, to be a police officer, FBI agent, or serve in the Armed Forces. So, if I earn my money I must consent to a drug test but if I take my money from people who are earning it and have it given to me, I don’t. Go figure.
More troubling than the welfare news, however, is other news from Florida which indicates State Representative Ritch Workman is working to pass a bill that will repeal the ban, in Florida, of bar room dwarf tossing. Now you may find it strange that Florida has a law banning dwarf tossing to begin with, but such a law was passed in 1989. Before 1989, one rarely entered a bar in Florida without ducking for fear of being hit by a flying dwarf. Now, it is illegal to go to a bar in Florida and toss dwarfs back and forth. Yes, there seems to be no end to government intrusion. First, they ban midget wrestling at the fair and the next thing you know, they off and ban dwarf tossing in a bar. They may as well close every bar in Florida down. I mean, really, who in the world wants to go to a bar, and down a few drinks, if before you leave you can’t toss a dwarf, or two, around the room.
Thank goodness Representative Workman understands this loss of American freedom stating the law “prevents some dwarfs from getting jobs they would be happy to get.” Come to think of it, I’m sure you, like I, have seen droves of dwarfs at various Occupy Wallstreet protests. Once upon a time, these poor individuals were productive American tax payers. Now, because of this archaic law they have lost their livelihood and bar room drinkers everywhere lose a treasured ritual that, once extinguished, may never be replaced.
As bizarre as my statements concerning dwarf tossing may be, they pale in comparison to artist Marni Kotak who has decided as part of her artistic expression to temporarily reside at a Brooklyn art gallery in a brightly decorated bedroom and publicly deliver her baby as a work of art. The baby is due in the next few weeks. Everyone should be thrilled to learn that the birthing will be open to the public, no assigned seating, general admission only.
As most of you know, I have 2 children. I wasn’t all that thrilled about being present for the birth of my own children. I’m not sure the old way of sitting out in the waiting room smoking a cigar wasn’t better suited for mankind. No man can be prepared for the birth of a child. Most refer to this event as a miracle, although I’m not sure you can categorize something that happens millions of times a year a miracle. On the other hand, if it were men that were to give birth to children, I would categorize it as a miracle because it would indeed be a rare event. There is not a single place on my body suitable for a baby to pop out and under no circumstances, even if it meant the survival of the human race, would I consent to birth a child.
I’m not sure what the public will do while this lady is birthing the child. I spent most of my time in the delivery room bumbling around in the way of someone most of the time. When I was not bumbling around, I was being cussed out by my wife for placing her in this condition and uttering senseless sympathetic statements like “are you hurting, baby?” I would give my wife’s reply, but I think the FCC banned at least 6 or 7 of the words she used. Maybe Marni can hurl insults at the audience while she delivers the baby. I, for one, will not be there. It’s sort of like if you’ve ever survived a hurricane, you don’t really feel the need to travel back down the coast to see what the next one turns out like. I think I’ll just head on down to Florida, pick up a couple of dwarfs, literally, and head to the bar.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.