What some people consider art

Photo by Vicki Harris

Photo by Vicki Harris

The world is becoming a stranger and stranger place. First, I understand a Federal Judge has ruled it is unconstitutional for Florida to require those receiving welfare funds to pass a drug test before receiving the funds. Now let me see. I must pass a drug test to work for most corporations like, Proctor & Gamble or Walmart, to be a police officer, FBI agent, or serve in the Armed Forces. So, if I earn my money I must consent to a drug test but if I take my money from people who are earning it and have it given to me, I don’t. Go figure.

More troubling than the welfare news, however, is other news from Florida which indicates State Representative Ritch Workman is working to pass a bill that will repeal the ban, in Florida, of bar room dwarf tossing. Now you may find it strange that Florida has a law banning dwarf tossing to begin with, but such a law was passed in 1989. Before 1989, one rarely entered a bar in Florida without ducking for fear of being hit by a flying dwarf. Now, it is illegal to go to a bar in Florida and toss dwarfs back and forth. Yes, there seems to be no end to government intrusion. First, they ban midget wrestling at the fair and the next thing you know, they off and ban dwarf tossing in a bar. They may as well close every bar in Florida down. I mean, really, who in the world wants to go to a bar, and down a few drinks, if before you leave you can’t toss a dwarf, or two, around the room.

Thank goodness Representative Workman understands this loss of American freedom stating the law “prevents some dwarfs from getting jobs they would be happy to get.” Come to think of it, I’m sure you, like I, have seen droves of dwarfs at various Occupy Wallstreet protests. Once upon a time, these poor individuals were productive American tax payers. Now, because of this archaic law they have lost their livelihood and bar room drinkers everywhere lose a treasured ritual that, once extinguished, may never be replaced.

As bizarre as my statements concerning dwarf tossing may be, they pale in comparison to artist Marni Kotak who has decided as part of her artistic expression to temporarily reside at a Brooklyn art gallery in a brightly decorated bedroom and publicly deliver her baby as a work of art. The baby is due in the next few weeks. Everyone should be thrilled to learn that the birthing will be open to the public, no assigned seating, general admission only.

As most of you know, I have 2 children. I wasn’t all that thrilled about being present for the birth of my own children. I’m not sure the old way of sitting out in the waiting room smoking a cigar wasn’t better suited for mankind. No man can be prepared for the birth of a child. Most refer to this event as a miracle, although I’m not sure you can categorize something that happens millions of times a year a miracle. On the other hand, if it were men that were to give birth to children, I would categorize it as a miracle because it would indeed be a rare event. There is not a single place on my body suitable for a baby to pop out and under no circumstances, even if it meant the survival of the human race, would I consent to birth a child.

I’m not sure what the public will do while this lady is birthing the child. I spent most of my time in the delivery room bumbling around in the way of someone most of the time. When I was not bumbling around, I was being cussed out by my wife for placing her in this condition and uttering senseless sympathetic statements like “are you hurting, baby?” I would give my wife’s reply, but I think the FCC banned at least 6 or 7 of the words she used. Maybe Marni can hurl insults at the audience while she delivers the baby. I, for one, will not be there. It’s sort of like if you’ve ever survived a hurricane, you don’t really feel the need to travel back down the coast to see what the next one turns out like. I think I’ll just head on down to Florida, pick up a couple of dwarfs, literally, and head to the bar.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.


waltspecht 4 years, 1 month ago

From my Submarine Sailor days I remember Victor the Fighting Bear (If you rubbed his ears, he'ed roll over and want you to rub his belly). Mo the fighting Chimp (Lord, you talk about bad breath) and even more interesting things in the Phillipines (which I won't mention here) However, in our drunkest moments we never even thought of Dwaft tossing. What a mispent career I had to not have had that opportunity. As for the idiot in New York claiming birth is performing art, what do you expect from a Yankee.


agirl_25 3 years, 7 months ago

Haha....I think I know what you are talking about as far as the Filipino entertainment goes.....quite a feat huh....hahaha...my husband was stationed at Clark...but back to the dwarf business. I remember one Saturday afternoon when my husband was programming some satellites into our receiver he found a weird station on one that had dwarf westerns and I don't know what language they were in but do believe they were comedies because instead of walking into the saloon thru the swinging doors they would walk under them and the laugh track could be heard. They rode little shetland ponies too. It was one of the funniest things we have ever seen and to this day we still laugh about it and look for our Dwarf Western Comedies but never have been able to find them again.


TrixibelleBento 4 years, 1 month ago

The Unitied States is a kooky place when you don't need to take a drug test to get free money. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO OUR COUNTRY???

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone...free money for druggies, people camping out in public parks to complain why they can't share in my personal wealth, Florida courts allowing Sharia law to settle a case involving a Mosque, allowing illegal immigrants to use our services without paying for any of them, and people thinking that we should all suck off the Nanny State teat (at least I know I can use drugs while I do that). When America voted for Obama, I was hoping for Change. It's changed all right. It's turned America into a wasteland of unmotivated slugs.

Okay, I'm off my soapbox. I cannot even address the dwarf tossing!


billybob 4 years, 1 month ago

Not the drug testing for welfare tripe again... Please educate yourself on this matter before prattling on about the sham of a program. Fla. governor, Rick Scott, was the CEO of a chain of clinics that specialize in drug screening before becoming governor. He transferred his interests in this company to his wife prior to taking office to avoid the appearance of a conflict or interest. The program is just a way to funnel money to his business. Welfare recipients who fail the test are allowed to transfer the benefits to a relative until they can pass the test. It is simply a money-grab for the governor. By the way, the welfare recipients are failing the test at a lower rate than the general population so far.


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