Here it is, the final countdown to Christmas. Only a few shopping days left. The pressure, without a doubt, is building as you search for that perfect gift.
Fortunately, there are some hot items that are still in great supply, unlike the Christmas years ago when I searched fruitlessly from Macon to Tallahassee for a three-in-one mini pool table that I learned one of my sons wanted exactly five minutes after the very last one disappeared off the face of the earth.
Unfortunately, the items on this list are not recommended for kids. On the other hand, they’re not rated for mature recipients either, which means they should be perfect for that hard-to-buy-for guy or gal on your list.
Here we go:
BARBIE BOO-BOO: That’s right! Barbie’s moved down to middle Georgia, got all rednecked up and is doing whatever the people do in this cable TV show that I have managed to never see despite the unholy hold it apparently has on those who are going through acute “Beverly Hillbillies” withdrawal. I’m not sure what accessories come with it, but I’m guessing cigarettes, Boone’s Farm strawberry wine cut with Sprite and a trailer home figure prominently in what passes for the deluxe play set.
DON’T TICKLE ME THERE ELMO: Says many, many funny things like: “Elmo needs a bail bondsman,” “Elmo’s not a pervert,” “Kermit told Elmo it was OK,” “Elmo should have checked his driver’s license” and “You’re not a cop trying to entrap Elmo on a bum rap, are you?” Comes with wide range of denials and can be upgraded to Defendant Elmo.
MITTOPOLY: A new take on an old favorite. Buy property and sell pieces of it to another player. Pass by “White House” every four years and console yourself by collecting $200 million. Made in China.
OBAMA DOCTOR KIT: Comes with a handful of all-time favorite medical-related items, coverage and services and doesn’t cost you a thing — right now. But wait! In a couple of years, stuff you didn’t even know was included in the kit suddenly starts showing up — along with the medical bills. Death panels for the elderly may or may not be included.
TEA PARTY TEA SET: Have tea the way America’s founding fathers intended! Made in the U.S.A. box comes with only one item inside — a copy of the U.S. Constitution. When you use this set, anyone who shows up to your tea party is responsible for providing his or her own tea cup and saucer. Pinkies out!
BIG BIRD GOES TO WASHINGTON: Move over Mr. Smith! Big Bird gets appointed to the U.S. Senate after a lawmaker accidentally posts a nude photo on a Twitter account in this straight-to-DVD remake of the Jimmy Stewart classic. Watch Sen. Big Bird filibuster attempt to cut funding to the Public Broadcasting Corp. while he makes friends with lobbyists, brought to him by the letter K (Street).
SOLAR POWER KIT: Do-it-yourself project funded entirely by the federal government. Batteries not included.
NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE STRIKE SET: Remember those old vibrating football play sets where you never could (1) make the player run in the direction you wanted it to run or (2) make your quarterback complete a pass with that little fuzzy ball? Now there’s a great new NHL version, complete with rink, glass and stands. No players are included.
MR. CONGRESSMAN: The world’s very first inaction figure. Talks a lot, but doesn’t say anything. Comes with your choice of tie — Republican red or Democrat blue.
DONALD TRUMP DRESS UP DOLL: Get your The Donald on with this Halloween-quality outfit that includes a business suit, funky wig and a Photostat copy of President Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate. Hotels, office buildings and blonde girlfriends/wives/significant others sold separately.
GEN. PETREAUS LOVE TRIANGLE SET: Comes with anatomically correct action figures of David Petreaus, Paula Broadwell and Jill Kelley, along with etiquette tips for when you feel compelled to email information about a secret extramarital affair. Angry Mrs. Petreaus and Mr. Lawyer action figures sold separately.
GLOBAL WARMING SNOW GLOBE: Not just a toy, but a decoration. Like the shake-’em-up globes you see with a glittery snowy scene of Santa and Frosty, only these have beautiful scenery of oceanview towns and communities that will be underwater once the ice caps melt. But don’t look for the glitter in this series, since there won’t be any snow around.
FISCAL CLIFF JUMPER: Throw an Uncle Sam action figure off a cliff and watch this beloved symbol of America fall and shatter on the rocks below. Really, that’s all there is to the game. Doesn’t sound like fun to me either, but members of Congress and the White House are ordering these things by the gross.
Oh, and on this one ... taxes definitely are included.
Email Jim Hendricks at firstname.lastname@example.org.