I, like many Americans, have now decided that I will be dropping out of America's labor force. At least, I intend to drop out from my current position as a small-town lawyer and try to move my life into another direction. In order to accomplish this goal, I, like many millions of Americans also, will need various government assistance in almost all walks of my life. Unfortunately, in my current state, I do not qualify for most of the assistance I need. Therefore, I plan to have a lifestyle change.
First and foremost, I would like to advance my education by attending Harvard Law School. I am not sure that I will presently qualify for admittance to Harvard Law School, as my resume of having graduated in the top 50 percent of my graduating high school class at Terrell Academy, which consisted of two students, may not be sufficient. I need to come from some type of protected minority classification and I have decided to declare, on my resume, that I am part Native American Indian. I obviously have no idea if this is true, but I figure there is at least a 50/50 chance that someone in my ancestral history slipped up and enjoyed a rendezvous with an Indian at some time in the past.
Once I am admitted into Harvard, I feel like my opportunity for bigger and better jobs should greatly increase. But one can never be sure, so I would like to announce immediately that I intend to undergo sex change therapy and will begin receiving female hormone injections. This change will ensure that I will have a protected classification in case anyone tries to discharge me from my new high-paying job and will have the added benefit that my wife and I will now be able to find much more pleasure in shopping at Dillards together.
But, there is a strong possibility that I will not wish to keep such a demanding, high-paying job and would rather collect disability. I should qualify for Social Security disability based on the severe disability I currently have, which is being a baldheaded American male. Now, you may not think that being bald qualifies as disabled. Obviously, you have never stood in 105 degree weather at a funeral without a hat or you might change your mind.
To further pad my potential for government assistance, I assume my resume should include some type activity indicating my deep concern for the earth and its environment. Thus, I'm announcing the foundation of the "Protect the Possum" environmental fund.
As you may have noticed, the possum is being overrun, literally, by cars and, more importantly, by invading hoards of illegal armadillos. These illegal armadillos have been migrating from all sections of the world and, to my knowledge, not a one has been invited or has so much as a visa.
As a boy, I could ride the roads of rural Terrell County and find at least three or four run-over possums on almost any given night. Now, I can ride for days before I see a run-over possum and, instead, the roads are littered with dead armadillos.
In short, this is a national tragedy. If this trend is not reversed, before long the only place my little boy will be able to see a run-over, dead possum will be in the cold, stark confines of a zoo.
To protect the possum, I first contacted the federal government for assistance. Unfortunately, this has now led to a ruling from the Justice Department that all possums qualify for any in-state four-year tuition programs, rent free homes, health care and a cell phone. You may think that you have a problem with teenagers staying up late at night texting on a cell phone, but you ain't seen nothing compared to a possum. Maybe I need to contact Gov. Brewer from Arizona. Please send funds to the "Protect the Possum" environmental cause.
In the meantime, I'll be in my pajamas, on my iPhone, buying lottery tickets.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.