New Yorkers face soda pop cops

T. Gamble

T. Gamble

In case you needed another reason to avoid going to New York City, Mayor Bloomberg has proposed a ban on serving sodas and other sugary drinks at restaurants, delis, sports arenas and movie theaters if the drink is more than 16 ounces. The mayor is campaigning aggressively against obesity and has decided this ban will help combat the problem.

If he is really interested in fighting obesity, I’d suggest he ban doughnuts, ice cream, pizza and 5 million other foods I can think of. I really don’t care what New York City does, but I do have fear that this trend could take hold all across America. Before you know it, they’ll be down here in South Georgia, confiscating all the sweet tea and I’ll be holed up at my house, on the 6 o’clock news, as a SWAT team tries to convince me to surrender as I protect the last gallon jug of sweet tea.

They can have my jug of sweet tea when they pry my cold, dead fingers from the gallon jug handle.

If New York City really wants to combat obesity, they need to go at the problem from another angle. Lack of exercise, more than anything else, has caused the boom in obesity. The average person now burns about 300 calories a day in activity. We don’t even get up out of the chair to change the TV anymore. Why doesn’t Bloomberg order that all New Yorkers must exercise at least one hour a day? Maybe if they spent more time exercising, they’d spend less time being rude and bumping you out of the way as they pass you on the sidewalk.

Many people, such as retired New York City postal worker Bobby Brown, don’t like the mayor’s idea. He was interviewed at where else but a Burger King in Manhattan, saying that “people should be free to choose what they drink or eat.”

Amen, Brother Bobby, I believe we have a constitutional right to be as fat as we possibly can be. It hasn’t been that long ago, back in the days of kings and queens, when being fat was considered a sign of prosperity. Now, unfortunately, being fat is a sign that you are, well, an American.

Yes, America may be losing its might militarily, economically and morally, but we still remain, without question, the fattest people to have ever maintained a nation. Although, I understand the Samoans may argue about this claim somewhat.

While he is at it, the mayor could probably institute a few other bans which would help the health of New Yorkers.

For starters, I’d suggest that he ban anyone from living in New York City because of the pollution in the city. The air in New York City is much more polluted than, say, Montana. Thus, the mayor should immediately move all New Yorkers to Montana so that they will breathe clean air and avoid the risk of lung cancer. Of course, Montana would probably not be too enthused about this proposal, but some of their folks might decide to move to New York City if all the folks in New York City were gone, because I don’t think the folks in Montana are too worried about supersized soft drinks and the like.

I guess we will just have to wait and see how this works out for New York City. Right now in New York, every time you venture off on some alleyway, there is some suspicious looking character trying to sell you a gold chain or Rolex watch for next to nothing.

Soon the alleyways will be full of gangsters selling 20-ounce Coca-Colas and Big Moose refillable fountain drinks.

I, however, will remain in South Georgia, wallowing around with my Biggie size drink, triple burger and extra-large fries.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.


waltspecht 3 years, 5 months ago

The Mayor seems to believe New Yorkers aren't smart enough to just buy two drinks. Then again when you are somewhere that refills are free, many still chose to pay for the largest drink because of the walk to the machine. I spent a part of my life in New York City. I remember when they said you couldn't have beer at Golden Gloves events, yet Pop always seemed to have those special Cokes he favored. Afterall, he wasn't driving the Subway on the way home, and the guys outside Sunnyside Gardens selling the disguised beer needed to make a living. About like those special, sealed packs of Marlboro one could buy in Saigon. Outlawing anything just makes a larger profit point for the profiteers.


Cartman 3 years, 5 months ago

Nanny-state idiocracy at its finest.


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