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Bacon may bring you closer to heaven

T. Gamble

T. Gamble

Just in case there is not enough news from the city of Detroit to disgust you, I’ll add one new tidbit. You may have seen where Amanda Clayton won $1 million in the lottery and was then followed by Channel 4 Detroit News, which showed her still purchasing food on a Bridge card, which is the state version of food stamps in Michigan.

Amanda, 24, explained that she needed this Bridge card to purchase food because “I have bills to pay.”

“I still do not have a job.” And, “I have two houses now.”

Needless to say, my heart goes out to poor Amanda. I don’t know why the state shouldn’t continue to pay for her food and, for that matter, I don’t know why they didn’t just go ahead and pay for her house, too.

And we wonder why the taxpayers are being bled to death.

I would spend more time commenting on this situation, but I learned of even more disturbing news than this recently. A new study was conducted by Harvard in which they studied 118,000 health care professionals over a 28-year period. During this study, they would interview the people once a year to determine how much of each type foods they ate.

The study was trying to determine if the type food you ate might affect your lifespan. The study found that you are 14 percent more likely to develop heart disease or cancer if you eat as little as three ounces of red meat a day. If you eat any bacon or hotdogs, your risk increases even more.

This is obviously not good news, especially considering that I am a Bacon of the Month Club member. I receive two packages of specialty bacon each month. If I had my way, I would eat bacon every day.

When I go to a restaurant or to a motel that offers breakfast in the morning at a buffet, I send both my children off to gather bacon so it will not be so obvious that I am eating 27 strips. I’ll also hide the bacon under biscuits or a napkin ... sometimes my coat pocket.

Now, included in this study was the following unbelievable statement by Harvard. Harvard reported “that you are 13 percent more likely to die if you eat three ounces of red meat a day.”

How exactly am I going to be “more likely to die”? As far as I can tell, there is a 100 percent probability that I am going to die. Are they now telling me that if I eat red meat, I will be even more likely to die? I could understand if they are trying to say I would die more quickly, more painfully, but more likely simply to die?

Regardless, I’m not overly concerned about the study. First of all, I would not eat three ounces of red meat in a day. If I eat red meat, I intend to at least eat a half-pound hamburger or 16-ounce strip steak.

No wonder these people are more likely to die, no human body can adjust to only three ounces of red meat at any particular sitting. If I went to a restaurant and they served me a three-ounce piece of red meat, I would call the waiter back to the table and assume that the chef had given me a small piece of meat that he cut off just to check to see if the steak had been cooked properly. I’ve got friends who would get in a fist fight with me if I served them a three-ounce steak when they came over to eat.

Oh well, I guess I’m like the sergeant in “Platoon” who told his infantry man who asked to take leave right before a big battle that he could not take leave because he needed everyone to fight in the coming days. The infantry man replied, “Sarg, I don’t have a good feeling about tomorrow.”

Sarg replied, “Everybody’s got to die sometime.”

Oh, if I have to die sometime, it might as well be while I’m enjoying eating red meat, which will make it more likely that I am going to die, according to Harvard. There is no word yet on whether or not I will be less likely to die if I do not eat red meat. I’ll try to check the Internet tonight and see if I can find out more on the subject.

I think I’ll do so while eating my package of Bacon of the Month.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.

Comments

LoneCycler 2 years, 1 month ago

Bacon is the all-American meat fruit. It's salty and savory and when cooked right, it crunches in your mouth before exploding with the heavenly bacon juice some people mistakenly call "grease." Ben Franklin once said, "Beer is proof God loves us." But you can't even goof up bacon in the microwave -- nowTHAT'S proof of love. Bacon needs little advertisement to remain in my heart forever, mostly in the form of cholesterol.

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TrixibelleBento 2 years, 1 month ago

My boyfriend loves bacon so much, I put bacon grease on my pulse points to keep him interested.

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