Well, the presidential election has finally ended, and now you will no longer be entertained by an avalanche of ads.
I guess about half the country is happy with the results and about half is unhappy. Regardless of which side one fell on, however, I’d also venture a guess that everyone would agree that the way a candidate is presented through advertisement, media, etc., has a great influence on the election results. With this said, I’ve developed a surefire way for the next presidential election candidates’ pathway to election.
First, it is very important that a presidential candidate project the proper image. Thus, I’d hire an image consultant. I’d suggest hiring whoever it is that has promoted fruitcakes as a great holiday gift.
Notwithstanding the obvious play on words concerning fruitcakes, whoever first started promoting fruitcakes and has continued to do so is a master public relations guru. Each Christmas, millions of fruitcakes are delivered to unwary gift recipients.
Has there ever been a gift receiver in the history of man who, upon opening a package finding a fruitcake, truly says, “Oh, it’s wonderful! It’s just what I wanted?”
I don’t know 12 people in the entire United States who would eat a fruitcake, except for the fact they’ve been given one for Christmas. When is the last time you came in from work, let’s say around May or June, and the wife said, “Honey, you won’t believe this but I have a nice fruitcake I just cooked to eat for dessert tonight.”
Have you ever attended a fancy dinner over at someone’s home when it ended by them announcing that the dessert was a fruitcake? Claxton touts itself as the fruitcake capital of the world. They produce millions of fruitcakes each year. Somehow, some way, somebody convinced the world that getting fruitcakes was a great gift idea and now landfills throughout the country are littered with decade-old fruitcakes, which have the approximate life expectancy of a cigarette butt.
To run a proper campaign, you also need to raise money. I say hire whoever the guy is who creates the Humane Society ads which show the dogs in crates and other heart-wrenching circumstances with what appear to be tears in their eyes, even though everyone knows a dog can’t cry.
After watching 30 seconds of one of these commercials, my only reply is, “I’ll take three of the stray dogs, thank you.” I’ll also send a check and forget about funding my IRA this year.
We’ll also need an idea guy. You know the campaign has to stand for something. We’ll need to promise all that we can. Everyone knows none of the promises will be met, but so what? Politicians are like weathermen — everyone listens to what they predict they will do and what will happen, then none of what they say occurs, and yet the next day we are all listening to hear what they say will happen the next day.
So, I suggest hiring the guy that creates all the info commercial ads: “Vote for John Brown; he’ll provide a $300 stimulus check to every family in America. But wait, that’s not all. If you send in a donation today, we’ll also throw in unlimited minutes on a cell phone, a Honey Baked ham and an iPad. Yes, that is a $700 taxpayer value and it all can be yours for only a donation of $125. Order now, and we’ll throw in free United States citizenship without any documentation and guarantee everyone’s Social Security will increase 20 percent a year for the next 15 years.”
Yes, I can hardly wait for the next round of elections. Until then, send a fruitcake — to me, not Congress.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.