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I am thankful for Parton and being an American

Features column

T. Gamble

T. Gamble

Well, Thanksgiving has now come and gone but reasons for being thankful continue. I’m first thankful to read that Dolly Parton has now come forward and denied rumors and allegations that she is gay. I would be forever traumatized to learn her, how do I say it, assets had gone to waste.

To tell you the truth, I did not know there were any rumors that she was gay until Dolly decided to go on "The View." She then explained that all rumors that she was gay were untrue. I am forever relieved. Dolly wrote and sang one of the greatest ever country songs, “I Will Always Love You." Whitney Houston then remade it into one of the greatest pop songs of all time. I don’t think it would have the same effect if I knew that Dolly was singing to her friend Suzie.

I am also thankful that I did not end up like Edward Archbold of West Palm Beach, Fla. Mr. Archbold died on Oct. 6, 2012 after entering a contest near West Palm Beach, Fla., which involved eating giant earthworms and then dozens of giant cockroaches. The prize for winning the contest was an ivory ball python, whatever that is. I assume given that it has the name python, it is a giant snake and probably white in color. I don’t think I want to know why it has the word ball in its name. I guess if you enjoy eating giant cockroaches, you need to have a giant ivory ball python in case some are left over. Also, if you have a dinner party serving giant cockroaches the only likely guest would be an ivory ball python.

Mr. Archbold died, according to the just released autopsy, from arthropod body parts blocking his airway. In the annuals of history, I’m not sure if this death will go down as the grossest of all time but it surely should at least make a top 10 list somewhere, rivaled only by the guy I read about who fell in a septic tank and drowned. I can’t even eat sushi and the only insects I eat are gnats, and that’s not by choice but necessity in south Georgia. You can be pretty sure that if I’m entering a contest to eat giant cockroaches, the prize will be a little better than an ivory ball python. They could even be offering Dolly Parton in her prime singing “I Will Always Love You” and I believe I would have to take a pass.

But, it appears that America has now turned toward more and more revolting entertainment. I’m not sure that we are very far away from re-opening the Roman gladiator rings. The popular TV series, “Fear Factor” regularly has people eating raw animal brains, insects and the like.

I recently saw a new series called karaoke something or other. I forgot the last part of the name but the premise of the show is that someone must sing a karaoke song all the while basically being tortured. One of the contestants was from Pavo and he agreed to sing a karaoke song while also having five different shock collars placed around his legs, arms and neck. Every now and then during the song, he would be lit up.

In fairness, the guy from Pavo didn’t seem to be too upset about the whole thing, but then again, what can you expect from someone from Pavo?

Before long, I suspect you’ll be able to tune in to see someone doused with gasoline and set on fire. Boy, that would really be entertaining. Oh, well. Maybe before long we can have a spectacular event where a gay singer can sing “I Will Always Love You” to an ivory ball python all the while being hooked up to various shock collars while eating giant cockroaches.

All in all, it makes one proud to be an American.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.

Comments

partonlover 1 year, 12 months ago

I know lots of lesbians who would love to yabbadabbadoo in Dolly's assets. You come across a bit narrow minded to suggest they would have gone to 'waste' had she actually 'come out'. And lesbian love is less desirable of "I will always love you" than heterosexual love? I could see it sounding just as beautiful at a lesbian or gay wedding in the great state of New York as I could anywhere else.

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albanyherald1 1 year, 12 months ago

I, for one, enjoyed your column (as usual)!

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