Two weeks ago, France celebrated one of its great achievements in history. No, it was not the fact they managed to last 10 days before Germany routed them in World War II, nor was it celebrating the French 32-hour work week and 54 weekly paychecks in a 52-week year. Those accomplishments are already being continually celebrated in France while the Germans work overtime to pay so the French do not have to work.
I am talking about, rather, when in 1561 France declared Charles Maximilian, third son of King Henry II, as king of France on or about his 10th birthday. He would rule France for 13 years before dying at the very young age of 23.
In reading about the coronation of the 10-year-old king, I wondered, what it would be like if the 7-year-old Hurricane boy were proclaimed king. The way things are headed, I’m not sure we could do any worse and perhaps life would at least be more entertaining.
For starters, the Hurricane boy would change the American symbol from the eagle to a triceratops dinosaur. Nothing wrong with the trusted eagle, but a triceratops is hard to beat.
He would also change the national anthem from “The Star-Spangled Banner.” This song is simply too hard to sing. He would change the national anthem to “Bad to the Bone.” He sings a stirring rendition of “Bad to the Bone,” and what country in their right mind would consider a war with another country whose national anthem is “Bad to the Bone”?
The Hurricane would also take some suggestions from 16th-century France. Most notably, he would declare bathing optional and say once a year is quite enough. I once read that the kings of France bathed only once a year and did so with buttermilk at the end of each year. Supposedly, this is why all young maidens wore flowers around their hair and oils and scented candles were everywhere.
I suspect a clothespin for the nose might have been in order as well.
Nevertheless, the Hurricane would be the forerunner for conserving water, and Atlanta’s water problems would be eliminated once everyone realized the waste associated with daily bathing.
Gun control would be out the window. A liberal would be considered someone who only carried a 44 Magnum pistol and one or two hand grenades. True patriotic conservatives would carry .50-caliber machine guns, missile launchers and drive Bradley armored vehicles. Gas mileage requirements would be out the window.
New laws would be passed granting three days off for birthdays and one month for Christmas. Firework displays would be scheduled for every Friday night, in every community. Love stories, couples kissing and snuggling would be banned from the airways. Rambo would be appointed secretary of defense and Mr. Crabs, from Spongebob, would be treasurer.
Dogs would be welcomed in any restaurant, store and even church. Ballet, opera and the Lifetime TV channel would be banned. “Gone With the Wind” would be removed from the airways, replaced by “The Walking Dead.”
But I guess I need to be realistic. What are the chances of a 7-year-old boy becoming president of the United States? There is about as much chance of that happening as America electing a Muslim, or a Mormon, to the White House.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.