EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a rebuttal of Mandy Flynn’s column last week submitted by her husband, Mike, under the Fair Household Response Act.
I have no other option than to respond vigorously to the scandalous accusations leveled at me by my wife in this column space last Sunday.
My bride of 21 years claimed that I snapped green beans during the recent Saturday night showdown between two top ten SEC schools. South Carolina was playing prime time in a rowdy Baton Rouge, and she claims to have placed a bowl of green beans in front of me, demanding performance.
First, let me say there is no photographic evidence of this event and no solid proof that I, a Southern male football fan, would ever snap green beans during one of the biggest games of the year.
And testimony of my children doesn’t count.
To accuse anyone of such a serious offense is outrageous, irresponsible, unfounded, negligent, slanderous ... and I’m running out of adjectives.
And what kind of taskmaster makes such a request in the first place? Snap green beans during a football game? Really? Why not just ask me to hold your purse in public or buy some female products when I am at Walmart for anti-freeze?
Granted, I do have a large appreciation for good college football. She has known this since we began dating, but I only watch quality games and quality teams on week nights and between the hours of noon and midnight on Saturday. It’s not like the game rules my life. I can turn off a bad game or team. In fact I can prove it ... haven’t watched more than 30 minutes of Auburn all season ... and that was 20 minutes too much.
She also demanded that I iron or dust during those big games. Now that was outrageous! I readily admit that I do occasionally iron or vacuum ... someone has to. But I draw the line. Never during the games.
There were, however, slivers of truth in her column. She really isn’t allowed to grill anything, but she also left out a few. She also isn’t allowed to drive me anywhere, or ask stupid questions during college football, college basketball, Braves baseball, The Masters, women’s volleyball, Australian Rules football, the NFL, the CFL or the College World Series. Any other time I am completely open to talk to her about anything, even if it interrupts an NBA game.
She also falsely claimed that I am preoccupied by football during the months of September, October and November. Here I admit failure. After 21 years of marriage, she still hasn’t learned about bowl season.
This rebuttal is for all football fans. There are four months of this glorious season. Embrace it! It is all we have now since the great infield fly rule robbery.
This response has been banged out on the Sunday morning after the Dawgs barely topped mighty Kentucky. As I write, we are but days away from a meeting with The Devil in Jacksonville. Thus you might sense an edge. Of course, you are reading this after the outcome is known. I wonder ... did I watch the entire game with Gator meat on the grill, which she is not allowed to touch, or turn it off in disgust to vacuum?
Since this was written six days before kickoff I will take some liberty with the pen and make the following prediction: Georgia — 17, The Devil — 12.
Number of stupid questions asked — 1 gazillion.
And number of beans snapped by me during the game — 0.
Contact columnist Mandy Flynn at firstname.lastname@example.org. Contact Mike Flynn after the game.