Pick up my guitar and play, just like yesterday, then I get on my knees and pray. We don’t get fooled again. ... Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
— The Who
As regular readers of this publication know, The Herald’s Editorial Board has chosen to endorse Mitt Romney in his quest to unseat Barack Obama as President of the United States.
Part of the reasoning for the Ed Board’s decision is based on economics, the newspaper having decided that Romney’s economic plan will do more than Obama’s to get the nation’s economy out of the doldrums that have left millions of Americans among the unemployed.
Using all the investigative reporting tools I’ve gleaned from reading posts by informed readers like gotanyfacts and a well-known ears, nose and throat doc who’s about as sharp as they come, I’ve been able to uncover both candidates’ economic plans for the country. I’ll summarize for those with short attention spans and because, let’s face it, it has nothing to do with music.
THE ROMNEY PLAN: The former Massachusetts governor has promised voters he’ll use his experience as a successful businessman and the things he’s learned while securing his private fortune to turn America’s economy around.
He’s not kidding.
The key point to his economic plan is to raise investment capital from places like China, nations rich in Middle Eastern oil and from British Petroleum and then take financial control of a few meaningless states like Rhode Island, Iowa and either North or South Dakota, depending, his plan notes, on which one has Mount Rushmore.
Once Romney and his investors have taken control of these states, they will systematically sell off all their assets to the highest bidder. When they’ve squeezed every dollar they can out of the selected states — beachfront property in Rhode Island, potatoes in Idaho, mineral rights in either North or South Dakota — the Romney administration and its financial partners will simply shut those states down.
People who live there? They will be given a $20 Trailways voucher and 48 hours to get the hell out of Dodge.
“If they don’t want the bus tickets, let ‘em walk,” Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan, said during one summit gathering. “If they’re not gone in 48 hours, we can bring some of the invading force we’ll be sending to Canada back down to the lower 48 in a matter of hours.”
Once Romney and his financial partners have divided the money equitably and he’s stuffed his shares in as many off-shore accounts as tax laws allow — because there’s no way the guy who would be president of the United States would ever use shady tax shelters to assure none of Tag and Biff and Boof and Junior’s inheritance funds get into the hands of the government treasury — he’ll invest the rest and pay a very honest 14 percent tax on it. That, his advisers declare, will be enough to dull the impact of sequestration.
THE OBAMA PLAN: President Obama’s revised economic plan for his second term is, admittedly, not a whole lot different from the first time around. He plans to do nothing, collect big-money influence “donations” from the rich people he accuses Romney of favoring over “common folks” like himself — as if a guy who rakes in millions of dollars a year in book royalties and other fees and stands to make a hundred jillion dollars as a speaker when he leaves office could ever be considered common — and then when the economy continues its slide hellward, blame it all on the Republicans in Congress.
He’ll invite Ringo Starr, Ben Vereen, James Earl Jones, Tommy Tune, Hank Williams Jr. and former President Jimmy Carter to an honors dinner and sing “Family Tradition” with Hank Jr. as the country marvels once again at what a cool guy he is.
Americans who do not belong to the same country club as Romney or whose children don’t go to school with Malia and Sasha, meanwhile, will start watching episodes of the new NBC TV hit drama “Revolution” ... maybe pick up a few survival skills necessary to make it in a post-apocalyptic world. I’m looking to hook up with Charlie’s group first thing.
Email Metro Editor Carlton Fletcher at firstname.lastname@example.org.