As described in a previous article, Prince Harry of Britain romped in the buff throughout Las Vegas and used the judgment of Lindsey Lohan allowing one of the women with him to take pictures of the joyful occasion.
Now, I understand the royal family might not consider this proper decorum. I also understand Prince Harry would probably suffer stern words from his father, Prince Charles, or the Queen Mother. But news reports indicate poor Harry has been assigned to a combat helicopter in Afghanistan.
Boy, who knew the royal family would take things this hard? I shudder to think what would have happened if the photographs had actually shown Prince Harry doing anything while in the buff.
I can't think of a much worse place to be assigned than Afghanistan, excepting of course, Tuscaloosa, Ala., given that I am an Auburn fan which these days takes quite a bit of intestinal fortitude to admit. I have an acquaintance who is married to a woman who -- How can I say this delicately? -- is rather difficult to live with. He had already served several tours of duty in Afghanistan and had status such that only if he agreed could he be reassigned for a return visit. He came home from the latest tour in Afghanistan, surveyed the home life and promptly agreed to reassignment.
So, maybe there are worse places than Afghanistan or Tuscaloosa.
But speaking of punishment, what in God's name must the players from Western Kentucky have done to be assigned the duty of playing Alabama last week? Yes, week two of the season was full of exciting matchups and Western Kentucky vs. Alabama must have surely ranked somewhere near the top. If given the option of throwing a toy poodle into a lion's cage and picking the toy poodle to win the ensuing battle, or picking Western Kentucky to beat Alabama, I'd doubledown heavy on the toy poodle rather than pick Western Kentucky.
As might be expected, Alabama won 35-0, a score I think they had before halftime and then everybody played, including the trombone player and the guy who wears the elephant mascot costume. I think he played the entire fourth quarter as a wide receiver still dressed in the costume ... or maybe that guy played quarterback for Auburn.
There were also other exciting games such as Presbyterian vs. Georgia Tech. I know Jesus said that if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you could pray to move a mountain and it would be done. Unfortunately for Presbyterian, however, he did not say you could beat Georgia Tech if you attended a Christian college approximately the size of Smithville.
Then, of course, we had the scheduled slaughter of Louisiana Monroe vs. Arkansas. Louisiana Monroe is a college about the size of Andrew College in Cuthbert, except they don't have as many athletes as Andrew. But, lo and behold, proving that they are not Presbyterians, Louisiana Monroe apparently prayed to move a herd of hogs and Jesus listened.
Normally, being an Auburn fan, this would give me great comfort knowing that, although we had been slaughtered by Mississippi State, Arkansas fans would be feeling even worse because they had lost to lowly Louisiana Monroe, which is so obscure that it can neither be named for the state it comes from nor the town it comes from, but rather must be named for both the state and the town in hopes that putting the two together will allow someone to figure out exactly where in the hell the place is located.
Unfortunately, however, Auburn has to play Louisiana Monroe this week. We have already lost twice. Our only remaining chances are against New Mexico State and Alabama A&M. I am thinking about scalping my tickets to a Louisiana Monroe fan, but understand the college has bought a ticket for every student, which means that one part of the end zone will now be filled with Louisiana Monroe fans and presumably most of the rest of the stadium will be empty.
I hate to do it, but I may need to go to Tuscaloosa. I need that mascot guy again.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.