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A shakeup would settle America’s numbers game

Carlton Fletcher

Carlton Fletcher

For united we stand, divided we fall.

— Brotherhood of Man

With all these numbers being tossed around — the super wealthy 1 percent, the inconsequential 47 percent, the unemployed 8.2 percent, the rest of us 99 percent — you have to be some kind of math wiz to figure out what’s going on in today’s political arena.

I think I’ve got a handle on it, though, and while lying awake late Monday wondering just how long a replacement NFL referee might last if he strolled down Main Street, Green Bay, Wis., wearing his zebra shirt today, I came up with a plan that I think might solve our country’s myriad problems.

First things first: We have to take care of the 1 percent. Sure, we have long lived under the illusion that each of us matters just as much as anyone else, but it turns out we’ve only been kidding ourselves. In 21st-century America, if you’re not making in high six or seven figures, you’re pretty much part of the great unwashed put here only to serve the people who matter.

My plan starts with a nice round 2 percent of the population. These are the people who make a half-million dollars or more a year, actually have a portfolio (whatever that is) and can’t comprehend the term “stretching a dollar.” They’re the trust-fund babies, the titans of industry — actually, in modern-day America, the corporate raiders who leverage companies, drive them into bankruptcy and sell off their assets at a profit, sending workers to the unemployment line — and the lottery winners before all their “friends” hit them up.

We can set aside a nice chunk of the Northwest for this 2 percent, places like Idaho and Utah — where no self-respecting black person would live — so they wouldn’t have to strong-arm many of the undesirables out. (The extra 1 percent, incidentally, includes the servants imported to change diapers, clean house and cook for the ones who matter, plus an already existing bat-guano-crazy militia in place to protect them.)

Here, Mitt Romney would be elected president hands-down, living among what George W. Bush called “my base.”

(I, incidentally, plan to try and hook up with the service sector here and work as copyboy for the Card-Carrying Socialist Gazette. Right.)

In the area south of Romneyville, down to the Gulf Coast, west to the Pacific Coast and to include those Midwestern states that are too cold (Minnesota, Michigan, Indiana, Ohio) and too boring (Kansas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Missouri), we could relocate the 47 percent, that vaunted group the man who would be our next president says is not worth his concern.

We’ll round this group up, force-march them into Entitlementville, and wish them well. They’ll either live off the land — stealing provisions from each other, no doubt — or perish. Barriers will be constructed around this area — or at least they will be adjacent to the land of the 2 percenters, where everything’s affordable — and armed guards with shoot-to-kill orders will be posted every few feet to make sure no riff-raff escape.

Not that it matters, but some welfare cheat can serve as president in the land of the 47 percent. He’ll be right at home.

The rest? The 51 percent left? Those are the folks who will take the Eastern Seaboard from Maine down to Florida — throw in Kentucky, Tennessee and West Virginia, maybe ... a few football teams for the real SEC schools to beat up on. Since all of the fat cats and crooked politicians will have abandoned New York and Washington for Romneyville, those two cities will be bulldozed under as a reminder of what can happen when greed and corruption runs unchecked.

In the land of the 51 percent, the residents will pick new, qualified leaders every year, and everyone will give a fair and equitable — read that very small — portion of his or her earnings to provide public safety and public services. Any hint of corruption at a position of authority will lead to banishment to Entitlementville or to a penal colony to be established in Florida’s Everglades.

Senior citizens will be treated with respect and will earn through their work the opportunity to live their golden years in peace and comfort without having to choose between eating and taking life-saving medication.

There are no current politicians who would qualify to govern this area.

Oh, and this land the 51 percenters are settling in? I’ve got a perfect name for it. Let’s just call it the by-God United States of America.

Email Carlton Fletcher at carlton.fletcher@albanyherald.com.

Comments

Abytaxpayer 1 year, 10 months ago

Wow once again Carlton has PROVEN Einstein’s theory.

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Abytaxpayer 1 year, 10 months ago

Class war fare provided by a Cool Aid drinker!!! Great work Carlton! Try a little MATH. ....... Here is your 2% don't choke on it.

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Sister_Ruby 1 year, 10 months ago

Another moronic stream of consciousness from Professor Fletcher. Prolly still got contact high from the midtown show.

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Twosons 1 year, 10 months ago

You know what makes me sad? You do, you Jackwagon. Here, have a towel, you cry baby. You must be playing a game. This is not a game. I am middle class and I am not better off than I was four years ago. We cannot spend our way out of debt. He will raise taxes on the middle class and we will pay the price for his expenses.

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tywebb 1 year, 10 months ago

seriously disappointing. as bugs bunny said.....what a maroon

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gotanyfacts 1 year, 10 months ago

(Carlton must be running below his goal for stirring up commentary. Since things have been somewhat dull, I’ll take the bait. )

Carlton has lumped a number of media/DNC spinnings together to perpetuate an image they created. He plays the part of Lord of Envy in describing the one percent, apparently believing none of them earned their success, or deserve it. His reference to “corporate raiders” mirrors the misinformation presented in the media about how Bain Capital worked and when Romney was involved in the decision making. (The media could have pointed out the fact that the steel plant in Kansas City that the Dems claim Bain “raided” would have closed years earlier without intervention. To get a more honest report check out http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702303360504577410573651845802.html )

As for the 47 percent issue, my take from reading the transcript on the Mother Jones site was that Romney was saying , regarding getting votes, he could not focus time and money on swaying those who have bought into Obama’s “government will take care of you” pitch. If you read it yourself, you might get something more negative, but you would have to be “creative” to get the image spun by the media.

Now, I have to look at the three new entities Carlton has created. First, Onepercentland: assuming that Romney would get elected ignores the presence of all those Hollywood millionaires along with the John Kerry types and the fact that there are probably as many millionaire democrats as republican, contrary to the misconception foisted on us by the media.

Fortysevenpercentland: Carlton identifies this group as consisting of those that are convinced that Obama will provide for them(the subjects of Romney's comment). Obviously, there will be discord as "Entitlementville" divides itself between those rightfully expecting a return on what they put into the system and those merely expecting. It’s academic of course as the government has no money, just IOU’s.

Fiftyonepercentland: I am surprised that Carlton seems enamored with this new land. Small government, responsibility, opportunity… Teapartyville!

The question is, where does Obama rule? One might think 47percentville. Nope. No rich people to demonize! 51percentville? Carlton says no corrupt politicians allowed. And it is obviously very conservative. The perfect fit is what Carlton calls Romneyville! He loves rubbing elbows with the rich and famous and I’m sure he could find a way to divide and conquer to win the vote.

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buddy 1 year, 10 months ago

Poor Carlton....bless his heart

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AnotherMom 1 year, 10 months ago

I have no problem with the 1% rich. Contrary to what those like Mr. Fletcher believe, most actually worked for & earned their wealth. I would rather have a President who cares about those who work than those who want more freebies from the government.

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pooterguy 1 year, 10 months ago

There still exists in The Old World a dying minority of literate journalists who appreciate sarcasm and satire as valid forms of humor. Be careful with sarcasm though. Nothing can travel faster than light in a vacuum.

On the serious side, bulldozing Washington and New York does sound like a great idea.

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TrixibelleBento 1 year, 10 months ago

I hate to tell you Mr. Fletcher, but I don't actually buy the "all men are created equal" thing. Do I think I deserve any of Bill Gates wealth? No, he earned it. Steve Jobs? Nope. Warren Buffet? No again. Oprah? Uh-uh. These folks have created their own weath. I respect people who have worked hard to make something that we all use/need. They deserve everything that they get. I deserve everything I get as well. I've worked hard to get a Bachelor's and Master's degree. I earn good money, especially for Albany. Does anyone else deserve my money? Nope. If you're sitting on a porch doing nothing, you deserve what you get. Actually you end up getting much more than you deserve. Sorry if I'm not the bleeding heart. If you are GENUINELY not able to work (I'm not talking about a nagging back ache here or "the beginning of arthritis" that I heard on Judge Judy last week--I'm talking about a debilitating illness), then I don't mind you getting help. But if you are on the "dole", then you must contribute something to this world.

I don't mind paying taxes for services, but NOT for people who have no regard for where this money comes from. They should see me on the street dressed up going to work and say, "thank you for working so I don't have to." Instead, I get a snarl when I drive up on them and they won't even get out of the street.

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Sister_Ruby 1 year, 10 months ago

All men might be created equal but for some it goes downhill from there.

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boyoboy 1 year, 10 months ago

DAMN! Hit the nail on the head.

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LoneCycler 1 year, 10 months ago

You don’t need to be a math whiz to know what’s going on in today’s political arena. Class warfare proponents have always known that concentration camps will be needed where the rich and the bourgeois can either be properly educated or executed. Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, China and the Soviet Union have actually done this kind of thing at one time or another. Mr. Fletcher is just living proof that today’s political left has learned nothing from history, knows nothing about human nature and if given the power to do it will remove large segments of our population from society to establish their utopian dreams.

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Sister_Ruby 1 year, 10 months ago

Leaving the rest to dwell in George Orwell's "1984" nightmare.

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Sixty 1 year, 10 months ago

Take away the 1% and 2%'ers and you only have government jobs left. "Here's your sign" Carlton.

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QUIK 1 year, 10 months ago

One is sure, if you take the writer's comments and send it to the parts of the country he mentioned and the reaction will differ in each area. I am only amazed by how some in the poor and middle class defends the 1%. Notice how the 1% is NOT saying a word about the arguement. I like the 1% attitude - "whatever, I'll just keep on making money"

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gotanyfacts 1 year, 10 months ago

Quik... What are you blathering about? Those of us who "defend the 1%" are actually defending the concept that the government should not have the power to determine when a citizen has enough, take that property and use it to buy votes. "Notice how the 1%...not saying a word..." How many 1%ers do you think read Carlton's article?

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Abytaxpayer 1 year, 10 months ago

Qu the reason some in the poor and middle class defend the 1% is very simple. Without the 1% there would be nothing. It is the sheepel like you who have no understanding of risk and rewards but you blindly believe you can steal from the goose laying the golden eggs and live happily ever after. One very important thought you should remember: Everything you get from the GOVERNMENT was taken from someone else, so if there is no 1%ers then WHO is the Government going to steal from…you?

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Sister_Ruby 1 year, 10 months ago

It's obvious to me that Fletcher learned EVERYTHING HE NOWS about the 1% from watching Paris Hilton on her "The Simple Life" show.

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Sister_Ruby 1 year, 10 months ago

United we stand and divided we fall.......nice words. But which Presidential Candidate is running on a campaign of Division by Class? Yes, that would be His Royal Majesty Barack Obama.

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