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‘Fathead’ enters belly fat battle

Features Column

T. Gamble
Feature Columnist

T. Gamble Feature Columnist

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths average Americans will go to avoid taking responsibility for their own lives. If you have any question of whether Americans take personal responsibility, just look at the advertisements you see and hear on TV and radio.

One of my favorites is an advertisement that states menopausal women, which the ad cleverly defines as “over 40,” struggle with “stubborn belly fat” because of hormonal changes. The ad then recommends whatever the dietary substance is that will reverse the hormonal changes and I guess convert the belly fat into a more understanding and receptive belly fat than the hormonal-created stubborn belly fat. The ad brags it has discovered the cause of the stubborn belly fat and now has a solution.

How about a fork, spoon and the drive-through at McDonald’s being the cause of stubborn belly fat?

I don’t really know about hormonal changes, but I can vouch that a 12-pack of beer a day will create stubborn belly fat that is even tougher to get rid of because the fat is drunk and everyone knows you can’t reason with a drunk and you can’t make a drunk go away.

Besides beer belly fat and stubborn hormonal belly fat, there is also the good old-fashioned package of bacon, two eggs and four biscuits belly fat. I think it is also stubborn. In fact, the common thread for all belly fat is the fact the fat is stubborn.

While the rest of America wrestles with stubborn belly fat, I am wrestling with the explosion of gated communities throughout the world. I can’t visit anyone anymore without having a six-digit code, multiple keys, or a blow torch and a set of bolt cutters. America is walling itself off from the rest of the world. I guess we’re reverting back to the 10th century when castles were built. It won’t be long before moats become an important part of everyone’s homebuilding.

Unfortunately, I cannot afford a gated community. My gated community is an invisible fence and Fathead the rottweiler mix. I must say that Fathead is quite effective operating as a roving gated community in that Jehovah Witness visits have been reduced by 92 percent, the Baptist preacher hasn’t been by in more than 10 years, and I can’t remember the last time someone stole the toolbox from under my carport.

Fathead does, however, have a downside as a roving gated community. Mainly, he does not discriminate in intimidating anyone who may show up in the yard, including Fed-Ex, UPS and any other delivery service.

Some of the delivery people know Fathead and realize flipping him a treat immediately disengages the gated community and creates the come-on-in-and-take-anything-you-want-from-the-house-as-long-as-you-will- feed-me-another-biscuit syndrome.

But one of the delivery people is afraid of Fathead. This has created a problem.

My sister-in-law purchased for me for Christmas several years ago enrollment in the Bacon of the Month Club. Yes, there is a reason I was talking about stubborn belly fat and it revolves around my Bacon of the Month Club, which arrives once a month with some specially picked bacon from parts unknown that I am obligated to eat. It is delivered to my front doorstep and is packed with some type of cool pack. The package is normally left on my front doorstep.

Note to delivery persons: It is not a good idea to leave a package of bacon on the front doorstep when the gated community is roaming around. I arrived home to find a shredded box and a very contented gated community. He also ate the cool pack for dessert.

I guess no gated community is 100 percent secure, but leave the bacon at my office next time. My stubborn belly fat is complaining.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.

Comments

waltspecht 11 months, 4 weeks ago

Does it include good old fashioned salt cured double smoked Bacon? Now I sure would like to know a source of that!

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