Don’t get run down getting fit

Features Column

T. Gamble

T. Gamble

Times are always changing and one generation is left behind while another takes over. What once was considered sacred becomes taboo and what once was considered ridiculous becomes the norm.

I remember the first time I saw people jogging for exercise. I was a young boy, about 15 or 16. Now, I had seen people running to get in shape for football or basketball, you know for athletic endeavors. But here were these folks running just to run.

They talked about endorphine highs and how much better they felt after running. I just kept thinking, what are they running from? I only ran for sports or from something — the principal, my parents, an irate girlfriend. But running just to run or just to get in shape? No way.

Feeling better after running? I felt better sitting in an air-conditioned room watching “Mannix.” But of course, millions of people now run for exercise and never a thought crosses anyone’s mind about it.

Running, I guess, for the most part is all about looking better. Keep your weight down, stay toned, etc. Americans are obsessed with looking better and looking younger.

But the latest beauty treatment may have stretched the bounds of rational, good-looking treatments. It seems you now can receive a “facial” in New York for only $180 that promises to “keep the face soft and smooth.”

So far, so good.

The substance used to produce these results is rice bran and nightingale excrement.

That is right — rice and bird poop, all for only $180. It is offered at Shizuka, a New York skin care salon on Fifth Avenue.

According to one client: “The treatment begins with steam to open the pores and soften the skin. Cream is applied and then comes the bird poop.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but if someone is about to cover my face in bird poop, the last thing I want is for my pores to be opened.

Understand all this occurs in New York City, where it is illegal to buy a 32-ounce soft drink. But poop on the face? Who cares? Heck, why pay $180? Just go to Central Park, crane your head back and wait for the pigeons to fly over.

See, pigeons really do have a function after all.

But I guess all this should not surprise me. I also saw where health problems are now rampant from women receiving injections in their buttocks, at unlicensed folks’ homes, to pump them up so that their derrieres will look more like J-Lo’s or Beyonce’s.

It seems this “self- improvement” is spreading, both figuratively and literally, across the U.S.A. I can’t speak for all of the U.S.A., but in my little world, most of the women I see don’t need an injection, but might instead need to refer to paragraph two above.

Regardless, it appears these women are injected with silicone right in the rear end. It immediately pumps them up, sort of like a milkshake at Dairy Queen. The problem is it then turns rock hard, lending credence to the husband that complains his wife is a hard a--. It also tends to leak into the leg and other places, causing terrible health issues.

I can’t support resorting to disgusting treatments, and dangerous ones, all in the pursuit of looking better.

Nope, better to follow my long-held family tradition concerning looks. It is what it is. Lay on the coach, eat some ice cream, let nature take its course.

I may not be pretty, but I’m happy.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.