The Bible says you can soar on wings like a War Eagle, or at least after Auburn’s second miracle victory against Alabama, it should be revised to state such a thing.
I do know that somewhere around the 30 yard line in Jordan-Hare stadium is a permanent prayer rug where the 10-year-old Princess prayed up another miracle with 1 second to go. I looked over at her right before ‘Bama tried that 57-yard field goal in the most ill-advised sports maneuver since the Red Sox traded Babe Ruth.
I swear I saw a long-haired bearded guy, dressed all in white except for maybe a tinge of orange and blue, sitting beside her, glowing. Well, actually the glow may have been coming from me. It also may not have been Jesus, because I know he doesn’t really care about such things, although I do think he is an Auburn season ticket holder this year. Probably bought them at the season ticket fire sale after last year’s dismal 3 and 9 season. To say Auburn has benefitted from good fortune this year is like saying Bill Gates has a little money.
Yes, now the pundits all want to know can one-loss Auburn jump over no-loss Ohio State to get in the National title game, if they beat Missouri. Nobody is discussing what really will happen this Saturday. Ohio State will lose to Michigan State and, in a miracle upset, Duke will upset Florida State after I let them borrow the Princess for the fourth quarter.
Then, No. 3 Auburn will move to No. 1 and play for the title. Oh, by the way, No. 4 Alabama will move to No. 2 and play Auburn for that title. Now this will create a monumental game of the century, but not for the reason you might think.
This year’s title game is played at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, Calif. Can you imagine what they will do with 90,000 fans from the state of Alabama? They’ve probably never seen a 6-foot-4, 285-pound man wearing a National Title Commemorative t-shirt from the early ’90s that fit the guy back in the early ’90s when he weighed 185 pounds.
Now, I’m not saying which fan base might do such a thing, but I will note Auburn fans can only wear a National Title shirt from either 2010 or from 1957. If you see anyone wearing the 1957 version, they are easy to spot because they are generally driving one of those mobile scooters.
If I were a Pasadena clothing store owner, I’d ditch the Gucci loafers and stock up on XXL maroon sweat pants. But the men will need something, too, so I’d order a few XXXLs as well. I’d instruct all sales people that under no circumstance were they allowed to mention field goal and Alabama in the same conversation. Mentioning the Texas Longhorns would result in immediate dismissal.
At all eating establishments, sweet tea would be shipped in. Folks from the great state of Alabama don’t even know tea comes in an unsweetened version. They believe the tea leaf and Dixie Crystal sugar come from the same plant. Serve ‘em unsweet tea and they’ll beat you like they do their wife after a tough home loss. They also demand yeast rolls at every meal. You can serve caviar, but it better come with sweet tea and yeast rolls.
Now, please understand. I don’t hold Auburn folks up as sophisticated either. When I went to Auburn, my two closest neighbors were the Auburn War Eagle Supper Club, Auburn’s premier dirt-floor night club, and three cows. Before I graduated, two of the cows were my best friends. We don’t much like tofu and such. We like ribs, cornbread, and prefer our dating couples have at least some possibility of reproducing at some point in the relationship, usually sooner than later in Alabama. We like the dirt-floor at the Supper Club so we can spit on it if need be. I’m not sure Pasadena has accommodations for such civilized behavior.
We also like a good fight every now and then, especially when you mix us up with a bunch of Alabama fans and, just for funsies, let us drink a little first. Well, actually we are not very good at drinking a little. Truth be known, when we drink, well, by golly, we flat-out drink.
But understand, we don’t drink wines with long names and old dates. We like cheap beer and cheap women, which in Alabama ain’t hard to find, but I don’t know about Pasadena.
If you make us mad, we’ll toilet paper roll you in a heartbeat. If you make ‘Bama mad, they’ll poison your favorite tree and give Nick Saban another $2 million raise just because they can.
Oh, yes, bringing the Iron Bowl to Pasadena may be a whole heap of fun. Just hope I can get the little girl, and the prayer rug, there, too.
Email T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.