T. GAMBLE: Segway not the best idea of Christmas present

OPINION: As an Auburn fan, his wishes have already been fulfilled

T. Gamble

T. Gamble

“““With Christmas staring me straight in the face, the 9-year-old Hurricane boy still insists he should receive a Segway from Santa. In case you do not know, a Segway is an upright two-wheeled scooter with the controls situated like motorcycle handles and it is directed by slight movements forward and backwards as one stands on a platform between the two wheels. They are commonly used by foot patrol police in major cities or at big events like Disney World. They are notoriously difficult to control in the early stages of learning how to drive them.

Any vehicle which requires slight movement to control should be stricken from the Hurricane’s list. The Hurricane never moves slightly. He lurches and rams and spins out of control from one disaster to the next, oblivious to the mayhem he leaves in his wake.

If the insurance company actor that plays mayhem ever decides to retire, I’m pretty sure the Hurricane is an able replacement.

He was with me at a friend’s house last year watching a ballgame when I heard a loud crash. There he sat amongt the rubble of what at one time had been a perfectly suitable small lamp table. He mistook it for a bar stool, sat on it and then, Wham! His only response was, “ Boy, they sure didn’t make that chair very strong, did they?”

To this day I don’t know why I’m never invited to watch football with anyone.

So, how do I again explain that Santa may not bring the Segway? After all, I already got my Santa Claus when Auburn qualified for the national title game in the luckiest football season in the history of college football. Auburn has used every bit of its luck for the next few decades. No matter what happens to Auburn in years to come, no one will care. They’ll just say, well, look at how lucky you got back in 2013. Auburn’s plane could crash and folks would just shrug and say, well, you know, they used up all their luck.

He also wants a Jack Russell terrier and a salamander.

I already have three dogs, but have no plans to increase the herd to four. I suspect there are a few salamanders somewhere around my yard, but he wants one in an aquarium so I’ll have something else to feed and I can be blamed when it dies in a few months.

Why can’t he just be satisfied with a few toy soldiers and a Nerf gun?

On the other hand, the 10-year-old Princess wants Santa to bring home all the soldiers for Christmas and spells this out in great detail in her Santa letter.

At least she continues the Gamble tradition of setting unrealistic life goals. I still have not become an authentic American Indian, although I set that goal in 1965. My first cousin died never having achieved his goal of becoming a dog. So, I guess the Hurricane’s goal of Segway driving may, in many ways, be the best bet yet for a Gamble goal to be met.

I mean, really, how much harm can a 120-pound 9-year-old boy do on a two-wheeled, unstable motorized vehicle that travels only 25 mph?

Maybe I’d better increase my homeowner’s insurance … or start looking for a salamander and a Jack Russell terrier.

Email T. Gamble at wtg@colliergamble.com.