I like 200 million other American citizens and 50 million illegal aliens, sat down Sunday night anxious to witness the biggest event of the year.
There were many unanswered questions as the big event neared. Would anyone be killed at a strip club in the post-game celebration? Would anyone, so help us God, be able to shut up Ray Lewis if his team won? Would anyone be able to shut up Ray Lewis if his team lost? Would anyone happen to have a spare generator capable of generating 500 million watts of power?
Of course, the real issue was who had the best commercials. Once upon a time, the Super Bowl was played to see who had the best team in the land. But that was so ‘80s ago. Oh yes, modern day 2013 is all about the ads. We have dead commentators telling about the virtue of farmers, which I’m all in agreement with, but I still don’t know why that makes a Dodge truck better than, say, a Ford, Toyota or Chevy.
GoDaddy.com had a beautiful model kissing a guy that looked like he spent a month trying to figure out a way to be the most unattractive person in America, and succeeded. I guess that gives all the rest of American males hope that they, too, can get a model maybe by going on GoDaddy.com. I’m really not sure, since all I did was stare at the model and to this day haven’t a clue what the ad was really about.
I did learn that Clydesdale horses can make a grown man cry and Chrysler is proud to make cars in Detroit. They are even able to sell about half they make. The other half, of course, are stolen before they are shipped out, being in Detroit and everything. Never mind also that their two newest factories are being built in China. Chinese probably like Paul Harvey, too.
The game itself was a real barn burner, except for the second half power outage delay. That was the fault of George W. Bush and, even now, he took forever before getting someone to the dome to fix the power outage. I understand the power company repair guy was watching the Budweiser commercial and was too choked up to come right away.
Whatever happened, the 49ers sure woke up after the delay. They were behind 28-6 and came storming back. I strongly suspect during the delay they were rubbing deer antler juice on each other. I think football Commissioner Roger Goodell plans to start an inquiry and will let Mark McGuire head up the investigation. He’ll report his findings to Lance Armstrong and that should ensure we get to the bottom of it.
I know the commissioner wishes to make sure that no one in football is using any type of performance enhancing drugs, like steroids, human growth hormone or videos of that model kissing the ugliest man in the world. He, like all the rest of the world, has no idea whatsoever why the average defensive lineman now weighs 320 pounds when 40 years ago he averaged 240 pounds. Must be that damn McDonald’s and the Big Gulp drinks.
Despite it all, the Ravens managed to win, Ray Lewis is still jabbering, and one Harbaugh is happy, one sad. To tell the truth I really didn’t care who won. I’ll wait until next year and see if the Falcons can make it. Until then, I’ll be on GoDaddy.com.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.