I, like hundreds of people in south Georgia, was shocked to learn Albany was recently designated the No. 2 saddest city in America.
This designation was based upon a survey of tweets from each city in the country. A computer searched for certain negative words on Twitter, and I guess Albany came in right behind Detroit. Frankly, I don’t know which was the saddest city, but I guess Detroit should be if there are, in fact, still people who actually live in that city anymore.
What caught my attention moreso, however, was the city that ranked first for happiest. Napa, Calif., took first place, as apparently people of Napa tweet about love, goodness and Prius cars.
Why, I thought, are folks in Napa so dadgum happy and people in Albany so despondent? Albany has gnats and Napa does not. Right there probably generated a few thousand “I hate gnats” tweets, while Napa folks were tweeting about 75 degree weather and no humidity.
There may be other reasons besides gnats, and I suspect the main reason is that Napa is located in the Napa Valley, home to California Wine Country. Millions of people, mostly tourists wearing sandals and thigh-high blue dress socks, travel there every year. They rave and rant about the beauty of the valley and the experience of tasting the wine at each winery, swishing it around in a glass to let it breathe properly and reach a maximum full flavor, and then they go to the next winery and the next until they are, well ... usually, in refined conversation, tipsy, and anywhere-else conversation, knee-walking drunk.
I have been to the wine country on several occasions. I did not wear sandals or blue dress socks, but I did have on an NRA cap and a T-shirt that said I’ve only had two beers in dog years.
I have marveled at its beauty and swished the glass, but mostly what I did is sample as much free stuff as they would give me.
If I knew how to tweet, I would be tweeting as free as a bird after an evening in the Napa Valley. I’d tweet my love for fellow man, for the redwood tree and John Deere tractors. I doubt there is an item alive I might not love at least a little.
I suspect my fellow Napa Valley tweeters are the same. They tweet home about the environment, global warming and Nancy Pelosi all in fondest terms, fueled by 27 tester glasses of fine merlot.
I suggest the tweet survey folks, whoever in hell they are to begin with, follow the Napa tweeter back home. Then, check their tweets the next morning. “I feel like ... you know what.” “I’m dying, my head is about to explode, etc.”
Then I bet Napa would not look too happy.
See, the problem is we don’t have Napa Valley around Albany. All Albany has is Camilla and Sylvester and Dawson and Tifton. Well, you get the picture.
We need a winery. Albany finally got an Olive Garden, and I’ll bet the survey was done before it came because everyone knows happiness follows an Olive Garden.
Get a real bona fide winery and tweets will again be free and happy. Until then, I guess we can all be thankful for Detroit.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.