With the arrival of the New Year comes also the arrival of broken New Year's Resolutions. Probably top on the list is any dietary pledge ever made, from cutting back on drinking to quitting fried food to regular exercise. We make 'em and then we break 'em.
The following is a list of foods that must be avoided if one is to successfully complete a diet transformation, along with the reality that nobody will ever really quit any of these on the list.
Coming in at No. 1 is the world famous yeast roll. It was invented in 1908 by John Jackson and created as a hog feed supplement. He quickly abandoned the idea when his hogs became so fat they could not walk to be loaded into the hog trailer and John got tired of toting them into the trailers. Ryan's buffet then purchased this recipe from John and now people ride around in motorized scooters, too fat to walk, while they eat yeast rolls at the buffet bar, at the table and then hide them behind the seat cushion of the scooter as they leave the restaurant. One must run two New York Marathons to burn off a yeast roll or travel 2,205 miles on a motorized scooter, whichever first occurs.
No. 2, Krispy Kreme donuts. When is the last time you saw a slim cop? Enough said.
Third on the list is sweet tea. The average Southern male consumes 10,000 calories a week of sweet tea. I've seen humming bird's refuse to drink it because it's too sweet. If a Northerner begins to drink it, they will instantly contract type two diabetes. I will not quit drinking sweet tea until they pry my cold dead fingers from the mason jar, which could, come to think of it, be any day now.
Fourth is the Hardee's thick burger. I saw a recent promotion where you could win a thick burger a week for an entire year. Thrown in was a 25 percent discount on a heart stent or bypass of your choice. Add a strawberry milkshake and large fries and they'll perform a free autopsy on you right there in the lobby and give your survivors a free burger for the next month.
Dairy Queen milkshake at No. 5. Who can resist this perfect dietary choice made straight from the depths of Hades itself? Beautiful on the outside and waiting to force you to the Sansabelt aisle at the discount men's store. Drink three milkshakes in a month and throw away every pair of blue jeans you own, head to the husky section and ask if the waist size is self-adjustable.
Sixth is a good old bag of potato chips. I mean what harm can a thinly sliced, fried potato create? I'll just eat a few while I watch Alabama convince Notre Dame to join the Ivy League next year. I mean how many calories does a large bag of Lays have anyway? Apparently enough to register a 5 pound gain from one day to the next, that's how many.
How about a Blooming Onion at No. 7? Until a few years ago, I'd never heard of such a thing but I do know it has more calories than five Texas cinnamon buns and after eating one you have to call in sick so that you can lay on the coach, unbutton your pants and groan. This is a real turn on for some women. Unfortunately, however, not for any women I know.
Ribs come in at No. 8. How something that has only about 1 ounce of meat per 10 pieces can manage to require one to be firehose cleaned before entering the house and also give you a gut like Chris Christie is a modern mystery to me.
Beer is No. 9 and is considered a south Georgia delicacy. If the Civil War had been fought over the right to drink beer, we would have won. I would have entered Pickett's charge to defend my right to mimic the physique of a nine-month pregnant woman and act like a 6-year-old boy, all at the same time.
And, mercifully, No. 10, fried chicken. Southerners throughout the land would starve to death after a funeral were it not for the offerings of fried chicken. I've considered faking my death just so folks would bring some fried chicken to the house. I'd come to the door, dressed in disguise ... "T would have really appreciated your kind gesture, you know he did love fried chicken, we don't know why he died of a heart attack probably caused by winning that thick burger contest. He died happy though with a chicken leg and a Dairy Queen milkshake in his lap." Yep, we make 'em and we break 'em."
Contact columnist T. Gamble at tcolliergamble.com.