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Wanted: One adventurous woman

T. Gamble

T. Gamble

In case the Taliban and Al Franken aren’t enough to worry about, Harvard Professor George Church recently announced he wishes to clone a Neanderthal man. He is a genetics professor at Harvard School of Medicine and started the Human Genome Project, which mapped human DNA. It should be noted medical journals and literature list him as “well respected,” or at least until this little foray into human evolution, or should it be described as de-evolution, blurted out.

Professor Church says, “I have already managed to extract enough DNA from fossil bones to reconstruct the DNA of the human species largely extinct. (Say what? Largely extinct? Are there still a few running around? Well, maybe in southeast Alabama and the KA house in Athens.) Now I need an adventurous female human.”

Ah yes, the goal of men throughout history — an adventurous female. Most men struggle to get their mate to agree to wear the red teddy and he’s trying to get someone to agree to have a Neanderthal baby. Then again, women have bred Ted Kennedy, Dennis Rodman and Charles Manson, so I guess anything is possible.

I’m wondering, how do you sell this idea to the “adventurous female”? Church says Neanderthal could be smart because he had a larger skull than a regular human. Maybe that is a selling point, but I would note elephants have really big skulls and generally rank lower in intelligence than human beings, so long as one does not include the SAT scores of children from Mississippi.

Perhaps the prospect of great strength, combined with the temperance of a WWE wrestler and probably the same good taste and judgment to boot would convince the adventurous female to birthing baby Neanderthal. Maybe knowing fame and fortune are right around the corner would do it. Folks eat raw pig brains and hang out with Snooki for the same reason, but at least when the night is over they don’t have to keep Snooki. I assume once you get baby Neanderthal, he’s all yours.

I’d suggest naming the child Andy and go out on a limb and speculate they’ll clone for a boy only. After all, you think it is tough to get an adventurous female to have a Neanderthal baby imagine trying to convince an adventurous male to breed a Neanderthal woman. Then again we do have Roseanne Barr and Nancy Pelosi to point to — proof Jack Daniel is a powerful aphrodisiac.

Now I’m not sure what we do when the baby finally arrives. Do they put him in a zoo? Sign him up with the Green Bay Packers? Enroll him at Harvard in the Genome Project? Perhaps he can become a congressman. I just don’t know. But, if you are adventurous, give George a call.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.

Comments

waltspecht 1 year, 2 months ago

I thought you'd set him up with a schlorship to Auburn

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LeeCo 1 year, 2 months ago

I was thinking the same thing - except to UGAg. But that might raise the average IQ too high to be in the S(pecial) E(ducation) C.

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LoneCycler 1 year, 2 months ago

The Neanderthals did not go extinct since their genes still live on in modern humans. But it was only the males that were able to progenerate themselves. The theory is that while female Homo sapiens bore Neanderthal children that survived, all attempts by Neanderthal females to bear Homo sapiens children did not result in viable offspring. The theory seems valid because while some Neanderthal nuclear DNA has been found in modern humans no mitochondrial DNA has been found, and the second kind is only passed on to the child by its mother. Anecdotal evidence is also convincing. Just look at the photo at the top of this article.

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