Well, it took a few years but we finally have the great gun debate going on throughout the land. Ban them all or keep them all; depends on whether you live in Dawson, Georgia or New York City as to where you fall on the issue.
Most folks in Dawson, based on a survey I conducted of the only four sober people I could find, strongly support the right to own any threatening weapon, including bazookas, hand grenades or a job application.
In New York City, based on a survey I conducted with Ms. Marcia the fortune teller right outside Dawson, who was not one of the four sober people, they believe all dangerous weapons should be banned, including butter knives, scissors, big gulp drinks, job applications and Pat Buchannan.
It seems to me we have things a little backwards.
I don’t really need my semi-automatic grenade launcher here in Dawson, although it is quite attractive above my man’s room fireplace right next to the singing fish and lava lamp. I need the grenade launcher when I am in New York City, where they don’t allow guns but everybody has a gun — well, at least everybody with full body tattoos, named Crusher or Guido, or with a prison rap sheet longer than Lindsay Lohan’s.
Here in Dawson, you have to work hard to get shot. Now, mind you, from time to time we manage to stir up a shooting, but it is usually over good neighborly things like sharing one’s wife or husband. For some strange reason, folks around here take that kind of thing a might bit serious and revert to the biblical teachings of death to the adulterer.
We’ll also shoot you over our dog, a six pack of beer on Sunday night — although less likely now that you can legally buy beer on Sunday in Bronwood as opposed to illegally buying it in Bronwood on Sunday in the more fun good old days — making fun of our favorite college football team and any negative comment about mama.
But in New York City, they are plain old mean. They will shoot you without good reason.
They might shoot you to get your gold chain necklace and Tony Lama boots. Don’t have to even know you from the man in the moon. In Dawson, we might pistol whip you for ‘em, but we won’t up and kill you.
They should pass a law that every New Yorker strap a gun to their side. In two weeks I bet subway muggings would drop to zero. Women complaining about lewd men pinching their butts ... not likely if she has a .45 strapped right beside it. Some jerk giving the finger because he got cut off in traffic? Not likely if the return finger is on the trigger of a Smith and Wesson .38. I suspect it would make the average guy a lot more congenial and downright neighborly when approaching each other. It’s hard to snarl at a guy carrying an Uzi.
Please understand, I’m not a radical. I do believe we need some limits on gun ownership, like no child under 6 should have a gun ... well, unless, of course, he has already passed a gun safety course.
The truth is we have more guns in America than people and they aren’t anytime soon going away. Given that the bad folks are likely to keep theirs no matter what, I think I’ll keep mine, too. I’ll just avoid New York City. I can’t carry a gun there, can’t drink a 24-ounce Coke there and can’t pee in my yard there ‘cause there aren’t any yards. I suppose the debate will end sooner or later, until then please continue to support the right to keep and arm bears.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.