As of Tuesday, July 16, 2013
© Copyright 2013 Albany Herald
- — If they hunt from a heated/air-conditioned shelter with running water and electricity and have someone pick up the game they shoot so they don’t get their hands dirty, they might not be a redneck.
- If their “scruff” is “groomed,” each darkly tinted hair lined up in neat rows, and there aren’t splotches where no hair will grow, they might not be a redneck.
- If they spray themselves down with every chemical known to man in an effort to “scare off those horrible creatures” rather than just poking their lower lip out and blowing the gnats away from their eyes, they might not be a redneck.
- If they have a catchphrase that doesn’t include the words “yee” and “haw,” they might not be rednecks.
- If they turn their nose up and go “Ewwww!” at grits or red-eye gravy, they might not be rednecks.
- If they prefer champagne, wine — especially from a particular “vintage,” whatever that is — or mineral water over a cold Miller or a glass of sweet tea, they might not be a redneck. (Full disclosure: I drink neither beer nor tea, so read what you will into that.)
- If their knowledge of country music goes back only as far as Hank Jr. and doesn’t include Hank Sr. (the REAL Hank, no offense to Jr.), they might not be a redneck.
- If they talk about “shooting targets at the gun club” and not about blasting away at tin cans or beer bottles on fence posts, they might not be a redneck.
- If they’ve never been involved in a “dirt clod war” or even have an idea what one is, and if they swam only in heated pools, never skinny-dipped in a farm pond, they might not be rednecks.
- If they say “Yeeeew all” in a phony, lilting voice, especially in reference to a single person rather than a group, they not only might not be rednecks, they ought to be taken out and fed to the mosquitoes without any Off or Deet.
- If they watch any of these ridiculous TV shows and actually believe that’s the way Southern people act or if they listen to the latest country hit by some tight jeans-wearing “cowboy” or low-cut top-wearing “cowgirl” who wouldn’t know a cow pie from an Eskimo pie, they definitely are not rednecks and they need to let some of these good ol’ Lee County boys take them out snipe hunting some evening.