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That’s Sir Junior to you, bubba!

Features Column

T. Gamble

T. Gamble

Finally, in an event I was awaiting with as much anticipation as next year’s curling championships, news comes that the royal baby has been born.

Yes, Prince William and Kate announced the birth of a baby boy. He arrived at 8:30 p.m., 8 pounds 6 ounces — two pounds of which were his nose. Actually I don’t know about his nose, but if it takes after his grandfather Charles ... let’s just say lucky for him he is royalty or he couldn’t buy a date at a women’s prison.

The couple is busy trying to decide on a name. Early speculation is for George or John. Those crazy royals, they really know how to jazz things up.

Kind of makes me long for American movie stars, where a kid can be named after anything from a fruit to a direction. This is only my opinion, but I really think the royals come off as a little too stuffy. One of the reasons is that they are always named George and Charles and such.

Now is the perfect time to soften the image and appeal to the masses. Let’s face it. It really does not matter what you name the kid. He’s got about as good a shot at having an easy life as any kid in the world, except for maybe Bill Gates’ kid if Bill doesn’t give away all his money before he dies. He could be named Idiot and still be just fine.

So, I propose they name the kid Junior. Now that is an all-around name that everyone could relate to. I’d support King Junior. If King George had been named Junior, I doubt we ever would have had the American Revolution.

Before becoming King he could be referred to as Sir Junior. We all know there have been terrible dictators, kings, and lunatics that have committed unspeakable horrors in the history of mankind. I might note that not a one was named Junior. If Hitler had been named Junior, instead of stodgy Adolf, who knows what would have happened. Attilla the Hun doesn’t have the same ring as Junior the Hun, now does it?

Junior just cries out for a hug and a beer. We’ve had Junior Samples and Junior Johnson, and I bet every person in the world knows at least one guy named Junior. Juniors may not be the richest guys in the town, but if your car is broken down on the side of a country road at 1 a.m. it’s a welcome relief when the fellow says, “My name’s Junior, can I help you?”

Georges and Johns just say they’ll call a wrecker for you. Juniors fix the car and refuse to let you pay ’em.

Juniors can lay tile, lay carpet and lay rubber, all in the same day. Juniors built this country and they’d rebuild stuffy ol’ England if given a chance.

Hail to Sir Junior, may his reign be long and fruitful. And while they are at it, let’s call Kate Katie and Charles Charlie. We’ll call William Billy Boy and, before you know it, the British Empire will rule again.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.