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Let’s keep that border secure, eh?

Features Column

T. Gamble

T. Gamble

Monday the U.S. Senate passed a bill to “toughen security” on its borders as part of a plan to then pass some type “path to citizenship for illegal aliens” (excuse me, undocumented immigrates or whatever they are called these days).

Now, before you hit the recliner and pass out in your easy chair for fear that I am about to launch into a tirade about the government’s plan to deal with illegal immigration, fear not. I’ve already done this at home for the 8- and 9-year-old children, who now believe their father is a stark raving mad idiot, which, by the way, I am. I’ll not spend further time trying to convince the government to deal with an issue when they still don’t know that being here illegally is indeed a crime, hence the name illegal at the beginning of illegally.

No, it would be too simple to espouse my own view, plus I know there are 10,000 other views, remedies etc. My issue is more direct. Why can’t the government pass a bill that deals only with the issue they are passing the bill for and leave the rest of the world and issues out?

As an example, this newly passed toughed security included a request by Sen. Susan Collins, of Maine, to include $50 million be redirected from its intended focus on the U.S./Mexico border to the Canadian border.

Yes, that’s right. Let’s clamp down on Canada. I applaud this effort as I, for one, am tired of standing in line at Target’s behind a crew of illegal Canadians wearing sandals, black socks and blabbing “Yah, yah” every five minutes.

If you can’t speak the language, then you don’t need to be here. Learn to say y’all and “fixing to go” or go back to the great North where you belong. I’m sure you, just like me, are tired of videos of Canadians climbing the security fences and racing across the New York border. Hopefully this extra money will stop the onslaught, lest we all end up with mounted police.

But like a bad info commercial, that’s not all!

Both Alaska senators backed an addition that “would help Alaska’s seafood companies hire seasonal foreign worker’s on four-month visa.” Do they know how hard it is to convince a Mexican to go and live in Alaska? It’s one thing to cross the Rio Grande, quite another to go work in Fairbanks at 50 below zero.

There is no word yet on how much this one will cost, but they also added a three-year low-skilled guest-worker program to boot. How exactly they are planning on getting the low-skilled workers to Alaska is anybody’s guess, but rest assured there will be a program coordinator and plenty of government money.

But that is just the tip of the iceberg.

Sen. Sanders from Vermont added a provision to send states $1.5 billion to create “summer job opportunities for people 16-24 from low-income households.” I’m well aware of the massive problems Vermont has with illegal aliens, so it is nice to see this warm gesture of government largesse. I expect to see a sharp increase in Mexican lifeguards this summer in Maine.

While all this was going on our own senators from Georgia did nothing. That’s right. Not one single add on. Not one single program.

I suggest they add an amendment to secure Georgia’s border from Yankees messing up my sweet tea and telling me how well the metro worked where they come from. It’s too late for Atlanta, so let’s just stretch a fence from Macon across the middle. You can’t cross unless you have sweet tea, can blow gnats out the side of your mouth while still saying y’all, and yes ma’am is required.

It may be too late to try the add-ons, but at least I can sleep tonight knowing our border with Canada is secure.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.