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Food insecurity whets my appetite

T. Gamble
Feature Columnist

T. Gamble Feature Columnist

Newest government statistics indicate 40 percent of all Americans are now classified as obese — 88 percent if you are in Walmart.

At the same time, a new documentary, “A Place At The Table,” claims 50 million Americans do not have enough to eat.

The 50 million figure comes from an at-risk category known as “Food Insecurity,” which means you could be at risk of being without food. This means that even if you have enough right now, you are still classified as hungry because you are at risk of not having enough food.

Food Insecurity can mean that if your sole bread winner loses his job, you would then be hungry, or you make enough to buy food now, but if prices increase 25 percent you will not have enough.

I’m surprised the show hasn’t found that everyone in America qualifies, even though we waddle around like penguins. Fifty million hungry means almost 1 in 6 Americans qualifies as hungry. Well, last time I looked I would agree that at least 1 in 6 looked hungry, but then again I was in Ryan’s at the time. Seriously, do you see 1 in 6 folks you know that look underfed? Hungry? Needing more to eat?

This new category allows the government to claim more folks need assistance and ensures that we continue to have at least 40 percent of the population obese.

For what it is worth, I am doing my part. I am eating lots of donuts and if I lose my job I will at risk of being hungry, so, according to the government, I count as one of the 50 million Americans suffering from food insecurity, even though I ate a gallon of peach ice cream watching “Biggest Losers” last night.

But I am not worried about getting fat because ChairMaster has a solution to everyone’s weight gain problems. You may not have experienced the pleasure of a ChairMaster, but they had a quarter-page ad in the Wall Street Journal a few days ago.

ChairMaster is, according to the ad, “a comfortable chair.” It shows a picture of a lady lounging in what appears to be a La-Z-boy type chair. But wait. That is not all. You can add an attachment and a stationary bike is attached to the chair and you can peddle it while still watching TV, reading a book or sleeping for all I know. It also has cables that attach to each side so you can resistance train while sitting, texting a friend about your food insecurity while eating a Snickers bar, or watching “Biggest Loser.”

Now this chair may reach the pinnacle of laziness. Have we now been reduced to sitting in a chair even when we exercise? I’m surprised the chair doesn’t have a food tray so one can eat a big Mac and fries while peddling. Come to think of it, my treadmill has a cup holder and it comes in handy for holding my strawberry shake while I walk 0.2 miles.

Before long I guess we’ll have a BedMaster. I can see it now — “Lie in bed and exercise by punching the remote control buttons to change channels. Yes, that’s right, you can lose up to five pounds a week by pushing the extra stiff remote buttons on the X-266 remote exerciser. Watch pounds disappear, while at the same time watching Sean Hannity disappear, as you change away. Just think, you may never have to get out of bed again. No need for sweaty gyms, huffing and puffing, just change away. Some assembly required, heart bypass and insulin shots not included.”

Sorry, I gotta go eat a large bag of Cheetos. I feel so food insecure.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.

Comments

Black_Falcon 1 year, 5 months ago

BREAKING NEWS...studies show that people who have more birthdays live longer than those that don't!

To quote Mark Twain, there are lies, da-n lies, and then statistics (especially government statistics).

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darnette0101 1 year, 5 months ago

So totally hilarious! I like it!!

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waltspecht 1 year, 5 months ago

From observation, a Beer, Pizza or good Hamburger will also whet your appetite.

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