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Bring back the Fifties! Bring back the Fifties!

The Old Rocker

If you grew up or lived during the Fabulous Fifties, there are certain memories that will remain imbedded in our minds.

Good Ol’ Ike was entrenched in the White House and navels were those sweet oranges from Florida.

We danced to “The Stroll” and sang to “Stagger Lee.” Remember those words: “The Night was Clear and the Moon was Yellow and the leaves came tumbling down.” … We shed tears for rockers Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and the Big Bopper following their fatal airplane crash on Feb. 3, 1959.

We never heard a rock band that was Grateful to be Dead or Airplanes named Jefferson or Zeppelins were not Led. … The Beatles lived in gardens during the 1950s and the Monkees were swingin’ in the trees instead of in a TV series. ... There were three famous TV dogs — Lassie, Rin Tin Tin and Cleo and they weren’t called Three Dog Night.

Only girls wore earrings in that era and no more than two were needed. … We never dreamed a boy named George would wear lipstick.

We fell for rocker Frankie Avalon and Mickey Mouse Club star Annette Funicello and when they made a movie, there never was “Beach Blanket Bingo II.” We didn’t have a “Star Trek 5” or “Psycho 2” or “Rocky 5.” And really “Psycho” was enough. That shower scene still makes me grab the arms of my chair

“Gunsmoke” was a TV favorite with the opening credits showing a shot from Marshall Dillon’s back, whose legs seemed as if they were 10-feet long. … Miss Kitty had a heart of gold … Chester walked with a limp and always said, Yasser, Mr. Dillon” and the feisty Doc Adams played a major part in keeping the town healthy.

We enjoyed Mr. Wizard and never heard of Mr. T or Oprah or Dr. Phil.

We never heard of a microwave and it wasn’t needed because Mama always had a hot meal on the table at 6 o’clock. … never heard of telephones in cars and most of us still had party lines so we could discreetly discover what has happening in the neighborhood without texting.

Babies were fed in bottles and not grown in them.

To us, microchips were what was left on the bottom of a bag of potato chips. … Bytes came from fleas and not computers.

Bathing suits were big enough to cover both of her cheeks and skirts were worn below the knees. … Patterned pantyhose? Wazz that?

There were no Golden Arches, no special water called Perrier and no fish called Wanda.

Bring back the Fifties!

Bring back the Fifties!

Bring back the Fifties!

JUST WONDERING

Just wondering why people leave cars worth thousands and thousands of dollars parked in driveways and put worthless junk in the garage?

Speaking of vehicles, just wondering why we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Just wondering why is the time of day when traffic is the slowest called rush hour? Shouldn’t it be called “Slowest Hour?”

Just wondering why if flying is so safe do they call the airports terminals?

Just wondering why supermarkets make those trying to fill prescriptions walk all the way to the back of the store when healthy people can purchase cigarettes near the front?

Just wondering why lemon juice is made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid is made with honest-to-goodness lemons?

Just wondering why the summer sun lightens our hair (for those who still have it), but it darkens our skin?

Just wondering why is “abbreviated” is one of the longer words in the English language?

Just wondering why people going to a fast food joint order double cheeseburgers and large fries and then insist on a diet coke?

Just wondering why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes or leave the rattlesnakes and Black Widow spiders off his Ark?

Just wondering why you’ll never see this headline in a newspaper, “Psychic Wins Lottery?”

Just wondering why financial institutions leave vault doors open and then chain pens to their counters?

Just wondering why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Duhhhhhhhhhhhh!

SENIOR DRIVING LESSON

My favorite two aunts, Thelma and Louise, were out for a Sunday drive when they came to a red light, but Thelma drove right through it.

Louise muttered to herself, “I was sure that the light was red.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another light and Thelma again drove through it.

A concerned Louise was beginning to get nervous. Louise turned to Thelma and said, “Do you know that we just ran through another red light?”

Thelma quickly responded, “Oh! Am I driving?”

That’s why Georgia needs a behind-the-wheel driver’s test for seniors over 75.

Barry Levine is a copy editor at The Albany Herald. Some of the material in this column came from emails he received.