It has taken me several weeks to digest the news that Dennis Rodman recently visited the most closed-off nation in the world — North Korea.
At first blush, I thought maybe he was moving there and I was planning a big celebration. But, alas, it appears he went there as some sort of goodwill ambassador for the United States.
He was warmly received by current maniac Dictator-in-charge Kim Jong Un. A few days after the visit, Kim Jung Un announced plans to, in his words, “annihilate the United States with a nuclear missile.”
Normally, I am quite critical of Kim Jong Un and his foolish rhetoric, but in this particular case, I see his point. If I were president of the United States and some foreign government sent an ambassador even remotely resembling Dennis Rodman, I would immediately order a nuclear strike upon that particular country. I mean, if that is the best you have to offer, what in God’s name was left behind?
The average North Korean has never seen an American. All they have heard is that America is evil and oppressive. So, we send ‘em Dennis Rodman.
I’m sure 60 million North Koreans collectively — they love to do things collectively — said, “See there, I told you those Americans are stark raving mad.”
Rodman for his part said Kim is “a great guy” and “you have a friend for life.”
I guess Dennis forgot ol’ friend for life has 2 million people in gulags, bans all religions of all kind, and requires his people to worship him as a god. Well, come to think of it, Rodman expected the same from his fans, so no wonder they got along.
Now understand, I’m fully aware the United States did not officially sponsor Rodman’s visit. At the same time North Korea is a restricted-access country and only upon State Department approval can anyone visit there.
As you might imagine there aren’t many requests to go there in the first place. “Gee, honey, we haven’t been anywhere exciting lately. Why don’t we go to North Korea? I don’t know when the last time I saw people starving or got to visit with someone crazier than Charles Manson. Let’s sneak a Bible in our friend Joey’s backpack and we can watch them torture him to death.”
Most people who ask to go are turned down, probably on grounds they are insane to ask in the first place. So what fool looked at Dennis’ application and said, oh yeah, this will be a good idea for our image over there?
In fairness Rodman went with three Harlem Globetrotters and put on a basketball exhibition. I guess they really mean it when they say globetrotters. Wouldn’t want to miss the trip back to friendly North Korea. If nothing else, they should have won the game, as I’ve never seen a North Korean over 5 foot 5, but then again I haven’t seen too many North Koreans to begin with.
Maybe next year we can send Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Heck, the way things are going in a few years maybe they can send me. Until then, I’ll just have to hope Dennis and Kim Jong Un’s relationship continues to grow. World peace is surely just around the corner.
Contact columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.